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You would finally get to a point where you said fuck it, and literally turn off the "thinking" switch in your head and buy a can of cope. At that point you still wouldn't know if you were going to chew or not. You would drive to wherever you were going clutching that can in your hand while 200 and something days of being quit mind fucked you and your gut is literally in knots. Finally you would get to where you are going and decide that you want to open the can and just smell it. Feeling physically ill and an anxiousness that you could never even imagine consumes you and it is a scary fucking feeling. Reasons that make so much sense, and make it seemed justified in your head to chew will flood your mind. It is at this point when you again voluntarily shut down that "thinking" mechanism in your brain and you take a pinch. Maybe the first one you come out of it a little bit and you drop it back in the can and say "fuck." This may take place a few times but eventually you will just shove that shit in your lip cause you cannot take feeling the anxiousness or the twisting and wrenching feeling that has been in your gut since you bought the can. And you are literally exhausted with visions of the many who have helped you and those you have helped fight those thoughts of tempatation and justification for "just one." Now you have a chew in your lip, it burns and guess what, that feeling of someone stabing you in the gut with a pitch fork, then twisting it does NOT go away. For the remainder of this chew you will be flooded with feelings of guilt and regret. Your quit group will literally flash before your eyes as you realize you are no longer one of them. You will start figuring out when and how you are going to tell the masses that you have caved, and what their reaction will be. you will think about what it is going to feel like to have to watch that day tracker SLOWLY climb back from Day 1. Finally you will spit that shit out of your face and where will that leave you. The same problems are there. Life still sucks, you still feel pain, you will still worry, NOTHING WILL BE FIXED! Now you have all that shit compounded with the overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. You will post day 1 but it will never be the same. You have it all in the palm of your hands right now. You have control over your life and an addiction that will kill you and cause daily worry and dependancy. Don't throw it away, if you ever listen to anything I tell you. Hang on to this mother fucker and fight tooth and nail. Look that bitch in the eyes and be more of a man than a lot of people could ever be. Life will get better, there is always dark and stormy times. Chew will not make that shit go away. PLEASE, realize that before it is too late. jmr |
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