Is This Reality? Written By mylilsecret

The darkness haunts me.

I panic .. the lump in my throat .. the shame .. the guilt .. the secret.

Tears stream down my face as I wonder the hows and whys. How could I throw away all the days of my past? Why did I torture myself about thinking into the future? What was it that made me look back as if you were my friend again? The friend whom days, months ... hell years ago had died inside of me!

Get out of my f*cking head! I'm so tired of hearing the voices telling me what is right and what is wrong ................... I toss and turn ..

Morning light awakens me. .. Is this reality?

Driving to work .. I feel the sudden panic knot up in the back of my throat!
Why did I do it? What do I tell those who know? I feel as if I am going to be sick.

My head is pounding now .. adding to the stress that each day I seem to try and overcome.
Driving home, I start to think .. I really unravel all my accomplishments because I thought I couldn't cope. .. Is this reality?

I begin to comprehend that it was just an awful nightmare .. Why are you playing with my head???
Not sure if I should smile that I didn't succumb to my old habits or cry because of my fears ...

Darkness is creeping in again ... (yawn)
My lids begin to fade away the world once more.

Ohh .. my body becomes tense
I feel the sudden pace of my heart. I look around for answers. I feel dirty because I have givin' up.
How do I explain those of the unthinkable I've done? The hurt and pain they'll feel .. the betrayal .. is this reality?

I'm not sure what's real anymore. Sometimes I feel so trapped by both worlds.
My day and night!

I suppose my darkness is my reality .. it's of my past.
Something I wish to never visit with again. .....
Yet in my head, I know it'll forever be a part of me.

-mylilsecret