Thursday, Jary 4th 2007 …………………….
That day was like any other in my life. A few weeks before, I made a New Years resolution I would quit. Of course, that never happened. Four days into 2007 and I was still getting up in the morning and grabbing for my can. But for some reason that day I didn’t want it. It could’ve been because I didn’t have any cash on me or that my van was being repaired. Maybe .. it’s because I wanted to see how many hours I could quit. Maybe I just wanted to look in the mirror for once without having a dip in my mouth or maybe .. just maybe I wanted my boys not to see their mom sneaking around; taking time away from them for a dip. I’m not sure what it was that day. It could have been a combination of all those and more. But something somehow, someway made me realize I don’t need this in my life anymore.
Mostly men are here at the site. Some dipped in front of family, friends and peers and some were closet dippers like myself yet I felt like the men always had an advantage over me. The men could still come out to family, friends and co-workers, if they wanted to, and say “I used to dip but I quit. I’m finding it hard to concentrate, sleep or whatever.” Female ex-dippers aren’t that fortunate, at least in my case, I feel that way. I wasn’t “the type” who dipped. Well, .. what freakin’ type was I? Honestly addiction doesn’t discriminate. It’ll take a hold of you and won’t let go, .. whatever the cost maybe.
I was embarrassed when I dipped and was equally as embarrassed when I quit. Who was I going to tell? Who was I going to share my experiences with? My milestones and accomplishments were only recognized by me or this site. My husband and boys never talk about my addiction or how well I was doing. They don’t dare discuss my quit, in fear that doing so, might make me think about my former lifestyle and force me to get a can. I would be so excited to tell my husband, “It’s 50, 75, 100 days for me!” His replied would be, “That’s great, Honey. So proud of you!” He would continue the conversation but change the topic totally. I felt like it didn’t matter. I confronted him about it and that’s where I learned that it was a hush hush type thing. Don’t talk about the secret and it never happened. I know I can’t force someone to see or feel what it’s like not to be the prisoner of ones own addiction. I suppose after all those times of me telling him I was quit and then finding out that I wasn’t, had finally caught up to me. It’s like the fable we read to our children, The Boy That Cries Wolf. As the moral states at the end: “Even when liars tell the truth, they are never believed. The liar will lie once, twice, and then perish when he tells the truth.” I think I resent myself because I haven’t been able to enjoy my quit because of all the lies I had told about my addiction. Not just to my husband, but family and friends.
It makes me cherish what I have here and the friends that I have made. Positive, encouraging words are everything to the one who reads them. Sometimes you touch a persons life by just saying a few simple words like … I believe in you! Because you see, no one believed that I could accomplish this. They believed that I would falter and be a disappointment once more. I know I’m the only one to blame for that.
We may never see one another face to face but you have helped me endure everything so far, … every moment, every second of this quit. I don’t know if there will ever come a day that I can admit to the ones around me that for 20+ years I used to dip Copenhagen. Maybe that time will never come. But it’s ok. I have you and others here to lean on for encouragement and trust in my fight to stay quit.
Each of you will never truly understand how much you’ve made a difference in my life!
One day I hope, .. I can return the favor and make a difference in yours.
Jack & Coach –
Most days within this quit have been a struggle but please know that I could never ever let you both down.
That’s what keeps me quit .. that’s what keeps me sane. Much love -xoxo