It all started innocently enough with an honest post in the introduction thread, followed by a day 8 (I got here late) in the May 2014 group. I posted a few more times and talked to folks on the site via PM’s and my introduction thread, then it happened. I just got fucking pissed. Pissed like I’ve never really ever been before. By god I was ready to commit murder. I could have stared down a silverback and won, or at least that’s how I felt… and wouldn’t you know it, I did the online equivalent of just that… and I dare say I won… but not the way I thought at the time.
Loot is KTC’s alpha dog. He’s sharp tongued, deliberately spoken, and articulate. He’s got 3268 days of hard quit under his belt and he’s KTC’s silverback. I raged on him, and you know what, he did what I wasn’t ready for. He invited me to post roll with him. No, I didn’t win the rage battle, but I won, because I swallowed my pride and I posted roll with him every day (well okay, I missed a couple days with loot, but 100% in May 14). He didn’t coddle me, he didn’t give me positive motivation like I thought I needed, he just let me rage, and asked me to join him in quitting. So, that’s how I won, because I did what KTC encourages / forces / makes possible for us to do. Post roll, give our word, honor our word, and repeat the next day.
I didn’t know if it would last. I was sure that I would fail, but I couldn’t fail, because if I did, I would never be able to look loot in the eye again (metaphorically speaking of course). I wouldn’t be able to recover from such an epic display of rage and disrespect and then not actually demonstrate that I’m a man of character regardless of what my past actions indicated. My past actions were those of a scared, cowardly addict who didn’t really want to suffer the symptoms of nicotine withdrawal. My past word was drenched in dip spit and meant nothing. I had to reestablish myself as the man who I thought I was and knew I could be again. I had to prove my salt, not really to loot, but to myself. Loot was just the initial catalyst to getting me to that point.
There have been many, many solid quitters on this site who have helped me along the way. Some of them, we clicked right away, and there was no drama with us. Krusty, slug.go, done w/ dip, and mb289, jaydubya, and gdubya are the main ones. But there were others with whom I did not click right away. Razd, wedge (where the fuck is he?), and lipizzaner were the recipients of my irrational rage. But in the end, I’m a better person for it all. I might not ever drink beers with these guys, but I’ll give them the respect they deserve. They are solid people who care about their quits, care about helping others quit, and care about accountability. In the end, it’s no one person that helped me get here, it’s a combination of all interactions I had with all the folks below and then some that I can’t remember right now.
done w/ dip
Wedge (where’s he been?)
akwooly (fellow EB’er)
Smooti (damn him, damn him, damn him… I tried)
TLS (even though he stopped checking in with me)
and others that I’m sure I’ll remember and add in the future.
But ultimately, it was me and my desire to finally quit for myself and without that, none of what the list of people above offered would have made a damn bit of difference. But it ain’t over yet. This is just the first hundred of what I fully intend to be many, many, many more hundreds.