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I wanted to share my story with you so you know where I am coming from and to get it off my chest. I joined the original QS site on January 6, 2006. After battling Skoal for so long, I finally got the balls to fight my disgusting skoal addition. I posted day 1 in the April 06 group. The ACORDians. One of the best quit groups to date. They helped me get through the craves, hit the HOF and move on with my life as an ex-dipper. I was to a point where I never had craves. I would see someone put a fatty in and feel sick to my stomach. Every once in a while I got that nostalgic mini-crave but would laugh it off. So minor I could smack it down. I was on my way. I started fading from the site a little bit as it went to QS2 and then QSXtreme. I would post roll once every few weeks or month. I was 1 1/2 years into it. September 5th or so last year, I was kayaking with a buddy in Virginia. He had a can. He opened it. He put one in. He offered me one. I didn't think anything of it as I had been in that position before. Why would I give a fuck? I am quit. I said fuck no. Then, something deep in me started thinking. 'You have proved you are not an addict anymore. Fuck it, just have one.' I had one. Just like that. Unreal. All my effort and the effort of those who helped me. Gone. This was around 600 days from my quit date of 1/6/2006. Done. It was so disgusting that I had to pull to the shore and almost threw up. Then it made me shit in the woods. With the chills. Terrible. Came back to the QS site and posted that I caved. But, not for 2 weeks. I told my ACORD brothers that it was disgusting, terrible. It was one slip and I'll never do it again. However, in reality, the nic-bitch got her fucking foot in the door. All of this after one dip. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I would brush it off but she was always around. I kept away from this forum because I was ashamed. Biggest mistake of my life (besides starting chewing in the first place). Two months later, I finally gave in. It was November and I tumbled into dark hell until I posted day 1 on March 1st. It was like I had never quit two years earlier and I fed my face with the shit by the handful. Almost a can a day. Lying to my wife and dipping around my 1 year old son. Sad. One 'innocent' dip sent me into a spiral so quickly. Since coming back to the site March 1st I have had mixed responses. I had been expecting it but I guess I didn't prepare myself for it. I have gotten some 'FUCK YOUs'. Some 'welcome back, make it stick this time'. Some 'How do you have the nerve to come back, get the fuck off this site'. Some 'you are a hypocrite'. A lot of being completely ignored by brothers I had considered friends. I deserve every bit of it but it brought tears to my eyes. A lot of the admins and vets that run this site I watched post day 1. I let people down and went back to what I promised I wouldn't. However, I can guarantee that every one of those people want me to succeed this time. That is the beauty of this site. Long story short. I let a lot of people down. My family, my friends, my ACORD brothers, quitters who counted on me and my group to be their rock, people I hadn't even met in QS who don't need to see a vet cave, etc, etc, etc. I give my whole hearted promise that this is my quit. There is no other slip. Not 2 years from now, not 10, not 20. I am done. NIT |
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