After All Those Years

I decided to sit down today and write. Not many of you; have I met since I’ve been quit, but would love to. Plus I’ll let you know how it is without dipping for years and how the lack of use of that nasty can of Copenhagen still messes with your head from time to time.

Hi, my name is mls. I really can’t remember who gave me that name. Hmm, Aqua? Ldiddy? Whodey? lol maybe Chewy? Anyways, I came to the website with the name, mylilsecret because that’s what it was.

You see, I was a female who had just got married to my high school sweetheart that completely no idea I was using Copenhagen at about a can a day. To look at me, you never would have thought I was a dipper. I looked at the time, blonde hair, tan, makeup and loved being out at the beach HOWEVER if anything came between me and my dip, I would ALWAYS choose dip.

It’s sad to say but during the birth of my son – with cord wrapped around his neck. During this time, the nurses are begging me not to push. At the same time, I’m begging the Lord not to take my son. “Please Lord, I’ll do anything.” I prayed. Then I dug in deep. “Lord, remember all them times I said I’d quit – well, it’s now, Lord. I NEED my son over this dip! Please don’t take him from me. I’ll never dip again! I promise,” as I continued to tell myself in my head. Of course, I had to put, ‘I promise’ in there. Well, God kept his promise my son was born and I broke my promise that day. After having my sweet baby, I locked myself in the cold bathroom, sat on the toilet, while dipping and I wouldn’t come out. Not even to breastfeed, that had to wait because the selfish part of me started wanting a dip soon after birth. The minute that last push went – it was like a little devil was in my ear. Tell them you have to go to bathroom and go dip real quick. You deserve it – you had a baby. My addiction is like negotiating with me, right now? Selfish, sure enough, I was. Did I realize that then? No, it’s only once you stop that you’ll come to that conclusion.

I’ve been quit since January 04, 2007.

What really was different that day? I’m not quite sure. I was down and defeated. My ex-husband had no clue what I was going through. He always called me a wimp or pansy ass. I’d cry. I had started dipping Copenhagen as a dare when I was fourteen and got hooked. Really that quickly. After twenty-five plus years, now dipping is a damn chore and it doesn’t even taste that good anymore. Constantly fighting with ex about it.

So when my ex called me a pansy ass, that morning, of the 7th. I finally went to the computer to do something. Some research. I found out that cigarettes are more addictive than heroin. And that dip is stronger than cigarettes. Wow! How very shocking. (Still my ex wasn’t very empathetic towards me – so I knew I wouldn’t have support at home with him – it would have to only come from those on KTC – it was like another mark against me.) More facts I found is that females tend to do it but they hide it. At the time, when I came to the website I was going to hide it too. But by reading that statement, “Females tend to hide their dipping from family and friends.” ‘Closet dippers,’ they said. Males tend to hang out with other males that do the same. I wasn’t going to reveal that I was female but on my first post I just busted all out with it. I was writing this lengthy post, bawling my eyes out, showing so much emotion in that first post. Next thing to run through my head, am I waiting for all these males to ream me for dipping just like my ex did?

Hmm, so the males here, might say, You’re too pretty to dip!, I thought in my head or possibly one of them could say why did you marry your ex without telling him of your dipping? I thought I would be judge. After sending my first post, I felt flush. My cheeks were turning a rosy color. But what happened next was indescribable. Those males, especially in certain group, were leaving me positive feedback and giving me even greater tips on how to quit and stay quit, asking if I was quitting now and gave me encouragement that I never had before. At the time, I was the only female here. I wrote a lot of articles if you haven’t read any maybe give me a lookup. (mls)

Within mere hours, those males became my quit brothers. They have never left my side. Even on a hot summer night, when I was so desperately depressed, down and out, life’s problems were getting to me, called all my contacts to no avail. I so happened to have a number I had never used so I gave it a shot. I told him, “Please don’t worry. I’m not caving not. I just wanted to die. Why won’t God just let me go?” He helped me through a rough night though it had nothing to do with caving but yet it did. He was my quit brother. What did that mean to me? It meant that I’m truly here for you – I’m your quit sis and like any other sister would do, I’m going to encourage you, be proud of you, help you, hold you, laugh and sometimes cry with you. And don’t you go caving because of every day problems either. I have medical issues, chronic. I have lived with this all my life. Problems come and go. So why cave on a freakin’ problem? Call someone in your group, it’s accountability. So stick to it! If you do cave; get right back on that dang horse. You can’t have only your family or friends wanting this for you. You need to WANT this! Because if it’s not in your heart, there might be a possibility of a cave.

After all these years, do I still think of Copenhagen?

Well, yes and no! Every day – nope. Every month, nope. I’m great. Functioning without dip is so fabulous.

I used to have dip dreams for five or so years. No more after that. However triggers will make things harder. Had a can open in front of me a few years ago and smelt that Copenhagen smell. I was like, Oh my! I reached for my husband’s hand. As we walked away, I told him how I felt and worked through it. My husband now is my accountability if I run into any issues.

After All These Years

Well, that was before …
What’s going on now?

My gums have had the most damage. I have noticed as well as my dentist has since stopping that my gums have receded excessively and bleed constantly, (makes it hard – because I have a blood disorder for clots) lots of things to watch for, must see dentist every 3 months. In the back, during dipping I lost teeth, in order to put teeth back in I need lots of bone grafts – extremely expensive – I could go on and on. (NOTE: I made sure I brushed my teeth every time I dipped. Fear that ex would find out. I thought I was being ‘responsible.’ Yeah, right! Responsible?)

In closing, I would like to say to Kill The Can, Chewy’s Quit Group and personally to my really good friend, Chewy.

Thank you, my quit brothers for the past, the present and the future quit in us. Chewy, I can’t thank you enough for your support in this and keeping your website alive, in helping so many achieve success in quitting something so horrific that it even killed my close friend, Jeff, which wasn’t by cancer but because he fell asleep with a dip in his mouth and became asphyxiated. That is burnt into my memory. His mother’s cries. The funeral. Yeah, cancer can take you out of this world but ever thought swallowing a wad of dip would?

I’m also extending my hand to Chewy in having access to quit literature as well as female literature so we can educate not just females but maybe males who don’t understand that it’s not just a male bad habit; it doesn’t know a certain gender; it’s a full blown addiction. And ladies, it doesn’t make you a nasty woman, ok? If need be bring your husband here or your wife. Bf, gf heck, any family members that doesn’t understand – treat them to a little – ‘Kill The Can.’

Good Luck With Your Quit –

I wish you first much strength, success, and freedom from the burden of dip or cigarettes (or whatever your vise is)

Um, yeah, so you want to quit?
Ready to quit now?

mylilsecret

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan community member mylilsecret