This is my story about my marriage, and divorce, to a lady named Nicotine!
To think, around 35 years ago I married a weed named nicotine. She was beautiful and made me feel like a king. After I got to know her I was powerless without her…or so I thought. It was a marriage of ups and downs as any marriage is. Mostly though, it was a controlling marriage and one that I didn’t feel in control of. Nicotine wrapped her sticky little paws around me and it took me 35 years to finally say….”Times up….this isn’t working….I want a divorce”.
Let me tell you, the divorce proceedings were just hell wrapped up in a little package called quit. After I announced that I wanted a divorce Mrs. Nicotine really hit me hard. I spent a day and a half in bed in the fetal position healing from that initial attack. After that, the assault didn’t slow down. She would make me angry, sad, exhausted, happy and confused (the fog). All of those emotions would occur within the span of 10 seconds. The fog, wow, who would think there would be times you’re just sitting there, starring at the wall, wondering what your purpose is in life….well, she did that to me many, many times. She gave me an upset stomach and terrible heartburn. She made me a raving lunatic for the better part of 6 weeks. She constantly made me question whether the divorce was worth it by telling me it would be better if I would just come back. I’ve stayed the course for over 100 days now and I still see her lurking around the bushes waiting to pounce at any sign of weakness. The key here is that she doesn’t just want my money….she wants my life and I’m no longer willing to give that up. I want my life for me, my beautiful wife of 22 years (17 married cause I was a chicken shit) and two beautiful sons.
Seriously, I used nicotine for 35+ years of my life. Think I started around 12 or 13 years old (nicotine raped me when I was young so it was an ‘Arranged Marriage’). Over the years I got really good at chewing…never spitting…I took it all in. I epitomized the term ‘Ninja Dipper’. I had one in from 2 minutes after my eyes opened in the morning (at least most mornings I had to piss first) to 5 minutes before they closed everyday (excluding 10 minutes for lunch and 10 minutes for dinner). I would break company policies at work using and no one ever knew. I use to finish eating dinner and say…”well, time for desert” at which point I would put in a big fatty of Copenhagen….’oh my sweet Copenhagen’…oops, I digress.
I, like you reading this, am an addict. I still love nicotine….but I now realize that I love myself more and I can’t have both…hence the divorce!!!!! Truth is, I will always be an addict and I will never be quit. I am simply quitting and doing so one day at a time like everyone else on KTC. There is no finish line here…there is only the journey and it’s one you can’t give up on or you will find the finish line but not the one you wanted to. While it’s definitely easier sitting here at day 100+ as opposed to day 1, 2, 3, etc… I still find myself occasionally thinking….”just one dip, you know, just to see”. Well, fortunately, my analytical side then steps in and says….”you’ve been here before, it only takes one to start up all over again” and the desire goes away. I’m not sure I could make it through another divorce and survive so I choose to stay divorced now.
I would like to say thanks to all on KTC who have provided me support by reading and responding to my posts or who write their own posts for me to read. For me, just knowing that others are going through the same exact thing as me was absolutely a godsend. Had I ever believed I was the only person feeling this way I would have caved immediately. Knowing I could go somewhere and see others pushing through the pain with me helped beyond what words can express. To you, I owe my quit and likely my life!!!!
For new quitters who might read this, the initial part of the quit just absolutely sucks…you’re likely in it right now. Just know that everyone who has written an HOF felt exactly the same as you are right now. Stay strong and it will get better, I promise. Leverage others quitting to rage like I did at times, reach out for a quick chat or whatever the fuck you need to do to stay quit because that is the goal….all the other shit happening here is just a means to an end and the end is a beautiful life without nicotine!
I’m not an extremely religious person but I will say “God bless and may he/she give you strength in your quit!!!!!”