I Was a Super Ninja Dipper
Man was I pathetic. A pussy really. I chewed for the whole 16 years I’ve been married and my wife never knew. She found a can once, but I brushed it off as a one time thing. “Sorry honey, but I enjoy a chew every once in a while. I won’t do it anymore.” In reality I was chewing two cans of Cherry Skoal a day.
If you’re are or were a ninja dipper, see if some of my concealment tactics sound familiar.
I did most of my chewing at work, although no one there knew I chewed, either. I would sit on the toilet and read or play on my iPhone, and spit between my legs. I did this so much that there is still a brown stain on the bowl from spitting in the same spot over and over. I would do this 5 times/day for about 10 – 15 minutes. I never was one to hold a dip in my mouth very long. Just long enough to get my nic fix. I had an old briefcase in my office where I kept my tins. That thing still smells like cherry.
I would buy my chew at a gas station so that I could hide my purchase on a credit card. You burn through alot of cash buying 2 cans a day (I’ve saved $800 as of today). They got to know me there and would have my tins ready when I walked in the door.
I hid my tins by pulling out the cupholder between the front two seats of my car and placing my tins in the cavity below. If I turned sharp, I could hear them banging around in there. I had to drive carefully when my wife was in the car with me.
At night I always needed one more chew before bed, so I’d wait for my wife to go to bed, sneak out to the car to grab a tin, and head to the basement bathroom to chew. Sometimes I would hide a tin behind the towels on a shelf. I always had to check that place for tins before we had overnight guests. The cleaning lady found one there once and asked me about it. I had to ask her not to tell my wife. She gave me a sideways glance, but agreed.
Family vacations were tough. I had my car hiding place well-stocked, but finding time to chew was tough. So while I was unloading the car, I would grab a tin, head to the hotel lobby bathroom, and hide a tin behind the toilet paper roll. I’d sneak in there as much as I could and get my fix. Or I’d take the car by myself to fill up with gas and get my fix during that time.
I’ve hidden cans in the water closets of toilets, behind books on shelves, behind water heaters and furnaces, in the joist spaces of our unfinished basement, in the breast pocket of my suit coats (while they’re on hangers), under garbage in garbage cans, behind paint cans in the garage, in drawers behind clothes, and on and on.
During all this time, I was the only one who knew I chewed (well, except for the cleaning lady). I was just so ashamed that I had this disgusting addiction. And when I tried to quit, I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it and would inevitable cave. I was in my own personal hell.
On Memorial Day this year, the family drove around putting flowers on graves. A day spent at various cemeteries in eastern Nebraska. And alot of thinking on my part. What would life be like for my 3 young kids without me? How selfish it was for me to be risking my health and life for this stupid habit. Two guys at my office died of cancer, and I watched them wilt and die like flowers in the fall. And here I was tempting fate. My fate, and the fates of those that depend on me. I decided to give it my best effort and got on the internet to see what I could find.
Hmmm, Kill the Can. What’s this place? Wow, they have a chat room. Let’s see what this is all about. Signed in and was welcomed warmly by jpine. He was even willing to bypass the normal approval process and get me enrolled right then and there. Wow, there are some nice people in here, and I can actually talk to someone about quitting who’s been through it themselves.
When I posted roll that first day, the HOF seemed like a temple on top of a very high mountain, and I was standing at the base looking up. No way. Can’t do it. What I didn’t realize was that my quit group was filling up, and more and more guys were standing at the base looking up with me. And so we started climbing together, helping each other when the going got tough. What I also didn’t realize was that there were guys in the Hall throwing ropes down to those of us climbing, and yelling encouragement to us. Some of the guys fell, and started climbing again. Some guys fell and were never heard from again. Many of us didn’t fall, and soon my fellow Sept quitters will join me at the top.
So here I am at the doors of the temple. It’s beautiful up here and well worth the climb. Now it’s time to turn around and help those climbers working their way up. And I will do that. If you’re reading this and contemplating quitting, get your boots on and start climbing.
Thank you to those who run this site. You’ve helped me accomplish something I thought I never could. You are doing God’s work here.
And before I close, I need to extend a special thank you to SamCat for the HOF present she sent today. I shall forever treasure it. You guys in November better realize how lucky you are to have her in your group.
Ken
NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member keninomaha
