To all of you reading this, thank you. Thank you for making the same commitment to quit dip and nicotine that I made 102 days ago. Thank you for contributing to this amazing community that has bettered my life exponentially since I became involved.
Prepare yourself because I am about to share way to much information. The last 4-5 months have been the toughest of my life. It started off with me getting dumped by my first long term girlfriend. I was completely caught off guard and it was devastating. I went on multiple alcohol and nicotine benders after this in an attempt to cope and that only made things worse. One of my worst memories from this time was waking up hungover with a Zyn in my mouth alone in my dark and messy apartment. I decided then and there that I was going to change, but I didn’t. I made some progress, but every time I got drunk I would buy another can. Then, I would quit again, but the following weekend do the exact same thing. Well, after a particularly bad week in which my car broke down, I got locked out of my apartment, I binge drank 4-5 nights in a row, woke up to multiple full cans on my table, and came to find out that I had called my ex blacked out, I decided enough was enough. I knew I needed to quit nicotine for good. Given that alcohol was my main trigger, I also knew that I needed to stop drinking in order to establish my quit, so I joined AA to ensure I wouldn’t drink in the early days. Over the next 35 days, I didn’t drink or use nicotine, and my life stabilized. However, I felt completely left out because I had built my life around alcohol since I was in a fraternity in college and still live in the same city.
On the 36th day, I decided to have a drink for my birthday weekend. This led to a very fun, but irresponsible and damaging month of binge drinking. On the 50th day, i woke up with an unopened tin of Grizzly in my pocket. On day 71, I blacked out and took a visit to my ex’s house after learning some new details from a friend of hers. I don’t know if she knows about this because nobody opened the door when I knocked, but damn that was a low point for me. On day 82, I got very messed up once again on a Tuesday of all days, and the following day was encouraged to take a break from alcohol by my fellow quitters.
Since then, I have not drank a drop and am 20 days sober. While I am not entirely against drinking every once in a while, I have become painfully aware that I cannot drink on a regular basis and by doing so, I am not only putting my quit in jeopardy, but myself too. The difference this time over the last time I stopped drinking is that I do not feel left out at all. I have learned to decompress in healthy ways whether that is with exercising or hobbies. I enjoy spending time with others and really don’t desire to drink. I have been reading about the negative consequences of alcohol and have realized that I am so much better without it. My plan going into 2022 is to not drink hardly ever. I plan to drink January 8th as an exception, but after that I am going right back to not drinking. Maybe there will be another exception in the future, but in general I feel like I am phasing alcohol out of my life. I am even looking to move cities so that I can start fresh and make new friends that aren’t just drinking buddies.
I have been lucky that this quit so far has been easier than I anticipated while sober after getting over the initial 2 week hump. However, alcohol has put my quit at risk, and as a result, I have made an effort to phase it out of my life. While I am proud of the accomplishment I have made in 102 days without nicotine, I am fully aware that it means absolutely nothing if I cave. I quit with all of you today and am looking forward to the year of 2022 nicotine free.
If I could put a good spin on this story, I would tell you that no matter what hardships you are going through in life, it is never too late to change. I feel better than I have ever felt in my life at the time of typing this. I feel liberated. I feel free from the grasps of nicotine and any other substance. I have not been free from mind altering substances since my Freshman year of high school and despite this, I have been able to persist and accomplish things I’m proud of. Now, I finally get to enjoy the progress I’ve made since then without the chains of addiction dragging me down. I feel more motivated then ever and I feel like I can accomplish anything. Without Kill the Can, I would still be waking up hungover with a Zyn in my mouth with zero hope of breaking the cycle. Thank you.