Almost 200 days ago I wanted nicotine out of my life. After 30 years, it was starting to affect my health and my life, in ways I did not like. I was thinking – why the hell am I doing this to myself?
As with many of the tough questions in life – although I asked myself the question, I already knew the answer. I was addicted to nicotine. Many times, I told myself that I really liked it and didn’t want to give it up. Even then, deep down, I knew it was weak addict talk, but it didn’t matter to me at the time as it was enough for my addict mind to rationalize continuing the destructive addiction.
But almost 200 days ago I’d finally (FINALLY!) had enough. You see, anyone can say they like tobacco (though as mentioned on this site, what we really liked was the lack of withdrawal symptoms), but not everyone will face the fact that it will kill you in the end and COMMIT to changing oneself for the better. It takes guts, and guts can be tough to come by for addicts like us.
Unlike some on the site, I haven’t been one to personify nicotine. For me (and to each their own), it hasn’t been nicotine doing things to me; it’s been me doing things to me. I hate that I have allowed myself to continue with this addiction for so long. I made a bad decision as a young adult and became a nicotine addict, plain and simple. I accept and acknowledge that I am primarily responsible for this addiction. Being clean now for almost 200 days, I wonder whether there is really that much difference if I was an addict to alcohol or heroin. You know what I’ve started fearing recently isn’t nicotine – its complacency. It seems to give this addiction the slightest mental opening is just too close to becoming the addict again.
I’ve asked myself many times, what is it about me that made it so hard, so unable to let this go? What have I learned that can help others – isn’t it in the helping of others that we remind ourselves why we’ve quit? I’ve personally always prided myself with having a strong will and in so much as someone can be – in control of my own life. But, in some ways, this quit has been a back breaker, even at almost 200 days the occasional passing urge pisses me off – why? Because I want this to be over, to be done with, as I believe many of us initially do. But now after some time has passed, I realize it will NEVER truly be over, NEVER truly gone and NEVER truly finished – it will always be a sort of footnote in my life…. Nicotine addict. This really just pisses me off even more. You see, no single effort will be enough; no individual success will be final – for me, the only day there is a true completion of this battle is my last day on this planet.
It’s a life lesson really, as in life – no state or condition is ever static. Things may seem the same as the day or week before, but everything in a state of flux, and all we can do is promise to each other, that each TODAY we will be free.
And so I promise to be free TODAY and as many more TODAY’s as god sees fit to give me. I ask that those of you who are reading this and considering quitting to join me. Right now, not tomorrow, not when the can is empty – NOW.
A special thanks to all the August 2013 Bad Asses and to KTC. I am quit because of and with you all today.