I chewed my whole life. Don’t remember when I started, there was no moment when I knew I was a dipper, it was just who I was. I have lied about my addiction from the time I started dipping. I lied to people I didn’t care about, I lied to people I loved, I lied to myself. Everyday.
I have wanted to quit since I started, pretty sick huh? I loved it and I hated it at the same time, but the worst part of it is it made me hate myself. I am a pretty confident guy (some might say cocky) I am a success in most things I do, but deep down I hated myself because I had no control over something I loathed. My addiction that made me lie, made me be a lesser person than I wished to be.
Attempting to quit so many times just got old. I vowed to quit on July 4th, declare my independence from nicotine! I lasted a week. Fed up with myself I turned to the internet, I found this place. I lurked a bit and decided to do it. I had no clue what I was doing or what this place was about. So late on a Friday night I tossed my stash started tossing back drinks and joined KTC.
It didn’t work! I couldn’t figure out how to post roll on my ipad and I couldn’t use the computer because my wife would see. So in a fit of self loathing and disgust I posted a couple snotty things around the forum and stalked off, done with something I didn’t even try.
Strange thing happened the next morning I had three emails from people on KTC. I will never forget DennyX, Eafman and Chewie for reaching out to me and slowly dragging me in. I didn’t get roll was important, they convinced me. I couldn’t use the computer because my wife was around, so eafman took my text and posted my roll. I got through those first few days….
Fast forward to when I thought I was cruising, proud of myself, walking tall!
People on here said I had tell my wife…. Are you freaking kidding? She will leave me! I lied to her! I CANNOT tell her! They just don’t understand. Turns out lots of you did understand, there were lots of guys like me. So I followed the advice I got here, I told her, she didn’t leave me. She helped me.
I have already rambled enough. Mostly I want to say KTC saved me. I can now strive to be the man I want to be. The tenants here: “Brotherhood, Accountability” were what I needed to quit one day at a time. KTC taught me to admit I am an addict and wake up each morning to that fact. Brotherhood is what got me here, and has helped me be honest with myself and the people I care about.
I was gonna start naming all the brothers I want to thank but the list is so long, it would just add to my ramblings. Thank you all.
NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Luby