100 days. Strung together one at a time. Hunnert of em. 101 days ago that woulda seemed unattainable. Well, thanks to KTC and all of you fellow quitters, all them days were able to be put in a row, and we’ll keep adding another, and another, one at a time. Now, I get the pleasure of typing an extra keystroke every day at roll with all you HoF’ers and beyond. Boo.Yah!
Reflecting back, one thing that I think I differ from most quitters on is the fact that I don’t have multiple quit attempts that I’ve left behind. Hell, I don’t even have a singular attempt that I left behind (and I’m gonna keep it that way). Over the 24 year span that I dipped, not once did I even make a serious attempt at quitting dip. Sure, I quit smoking by changing exclusively to dip (did both at the same time), so I guess that really is a failed quit attempt with nicotine, just in a different sub-category. The point of this realization is “WTF was I thinking? How come I haven’t ever ‘attempted to quit’ even”? Sure woulda thought I would have made at least one friggin’ attempt at quitting dipping over that period of time. Nope. Didn’t do it. All I did was re-allocate the nicotine volume and started dipping even more. My wife even had breast cancer/surgery/chemo/radiation and the whole nine yards…still didn’t even get me to try quitting (all is well with her by the way, treatment was successful and sustained).
It took me awhile to build up enough pissed-offed-ness to begin my quit. I knew it had to be done, but I also knew to make it stick I needed to build that fire, that deep down desire and tobacco hate necessary to push thru the suckity suck suck that I knew lie there in the first days of quit. This will sound stupid I know, but, in reflecting on the reasons to quit, I initially did not come up with much. First off, yes, I do understand that this quit is about me. Yes, ME. That’s how to make it stick. I know this cuz that is why I even began this quit 100 days ago today…ME. Hit that ball with your pitching wedge as high up the air as ya can, drop it down on the green and make that mother fucker stick. For ME. Fellow quitters, and potential quitters for that matter, that ain’t no lie there. It has to be about YOU. But now, back to me. Reflecting, I initially looked around for that “want”, for that motivating factor. Most folks have kids that they say they want to be around for. I have none. Others add their wife to that. Sure, I’d like to be around for my wife, but my situation seemed to have a bit of differentness to it. Long story short, a bunch of medical issues with my wife (referenced above, with a few others added, that have just altered our physical relationship) have made things more “frustrating”. Point of this bitching that may well be TMI? Well, point is that I was looking for reasons to quit, and better my life. I really didn’t feel that I had anything that made me want to extend my life here on earth as long as possible, at least so it seemed (fuck you nicotine). So in other words, why the hell should I quit dipping? Maybe I should just keep dipping, and guarantee myself a slow and miserable death, what do I have to look forward to anyway (fuck you nicotine)? I wasn’t to the point of longing for the relief that death would bring or anything, but for a while, my soul searching wasn’t giving me the ammunition that I needed to loft that ball way up in the air to make it stick. Guess that’s all part of the nic bitch’s plan (fuck you nicotine). In other words, I couldn’t give a crap whether dipping gave me cancer or not (did I say fuck you nicotine?). Whatever happens, happens…that was the mentality I had. Dam nicotine bitch, playing with my mind (refer to previous parenthesis). In the end, I honestly can’t even tell you what gave me the pissed-offed-ness to quit. All the money I was spending certainly was a factor. That’s actually kinda huge. It’s actually what I use in my head to make this quit stick, since I’ve had issues believing the other reasons. Even today writing this, I can’t tell you for sure what the root of my pissed-offed-ness is…..but whatever the subconscious attitude/feelings I got going on to maintain that fire, I’m thankful and glad it’s there. It just feels like one big ‘ol can of freedom. (why is that George Michael song playing the background of my subconscious?)
Deeper thought about this makes me fairly certain that my initial pissed-offed-ness, as well as my current, has come from all of you. I’m talking back to 101 days ago and slightly before. The days prior to my quit, when I was reading anything and everything on here. I know everyone quits for themselves, and it has to be that way. But you all also had reasons like your wife, your kids, your whatever. Somehow, all your stories soaked into me thru osmosis (or maybe I was starting to see thru what the nic bitch was making me believe), and all your rage and fire and pissed-offed-ness spilled over into me, until my theoretical cup was full of the things I needed to be pissed at. I reached the proper level of pissed-offed-ness, and then it was go time. That happened 100 days ago, and will do nothing but continue on.
If all this garble is true, that tells me I absolutely for sure can’t maintain my quit without KTC and all of your quits. More specifically….I need all of your posts/stories/thoughts/opinions/ramblings/rants/rages on this site to bolster and strengthen my quit. My quit may be about more than just merely posting roll, and my rock solid word that I will not use nicotine that day. Maintaining my pissed-offed-ness thru all of you may be another critical element to my quit, putting my quit at an even greater risk if I would happen to stray away from here. It would make sense that a lot of the caver’s inputs have been diagnosed at least partly cuz they strayed from here. Maybe a little bit of what I am describing plays a role into that. I know CoachDoc likes to post (or at least has posted): “Keep posting roll and stay active…the more active you are on the site the more likely you are to remain successful in your quit”. I believe that 100%, at least for my quit. FWIW, active on the site to me means posting roll daily, and reading whatever I can to maintain my pissed-offed-ness. I also pay attention to the Intro’s but am somewhat sporadic with that. YMMV, and everyone is different, and I also 100% agree that everyone needs to determine for themselves what finite (or not so finite) details makes their quits stick. Take what YOU need and leave the rest. At this stage of my quit, my need is posting roll daily, reading KTC posts, and doing whatever I can to assist other quitters. I’m sure it will change over time, but that is a snapshot of where my quit currently is.
No long list of singled out usernames (I find that word incorrect. Within KTC, I think we should refer to them as quitternames) that I’m gonna thank. Just a sincere, genuine heartfelt “Thank You” to all of you who helped me thru each and every rung on the way to 100. You know who you are. Mucho Grassyass.
Did I just write that much? Was I in a fog? Was I trying to subconsciously write a HoF speech longer than Evil, but unsuccessfully???
For today, and each subsequent day….Stay QUIT my friends.