Thoughts at 1,000

Rutroh avatarI have to share something that I honestly haven’t been able to even think about, much less write about but this may give some indication of the real grip that nicotine has on you….

As most know, My sister passed away two weeks ago today. She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer before I quit and was one of the factors, along with the arrival of my twin children, that led to my quit. Kelly (my sister) and I discussed my quit many times and I tried and tried to get her to join me… I posted here in times of frustration when she was alone in her hospital room with a can of dip hidden in her pillow and a blood infection that had effect her so totally that she was no where near reality… but still needed that damn can!

In June we took a family vacation to Gatlinburg (her wish) and she told the family then that they had run out of realistic options for chemotherapy and she was asking permission from us to quit chemotherapy… at that point I stopped trying to get her to quit (this was also the first time she asked for info on this site and even visited chat I hear)… she thought of it as a “final feat” to accomplish.

The week before she passed, she went from walking, talking, fully aware Thursday to bed ridden on morphine on the next Tuesday (I was spending Tuesdays and Thursdays with her) … in case you have never experienced being with someone on morphine…. it takes away most of reality and the person lives in some “other place” that can’t be understood…. but in end stages of life your body begins to shut down “other than vital processes”

she continued to DEMAND that damn can of dip even when most of her body had shut down including not opening her eyes any longer, that hold that nicotine has on the body was coming through the max dosage of morphine and the shut down of many bodily processes.

It is for this reason that I am so proud of being 1,000 days away from that monster! What I saw her experience after fighting cancer for 4 years adds to it for sure but I never want to be the slave of anything like that again.

In NO WAY was 1,000 days a personal accomplishment…. maybe I/we could have said that at the 100 day mark… but as time goes by it becomes more and more of a group thing… I could not have even thought of this accomplishment without this group and the accountability that has kept me from “That one” dip to celebrate… 100 days, 1yr free, 2 yrs free, 1,000 days free… because without each and every one of you, I would be back to putting that shit in my face again. I now think, and have seen it proven time and time again, that anyone and everyone can make 100 days with a “nut check” and this site provides that… but the real strength of this site comes after you think you have made it and need the accountability of others to keep you on the straight and narrow.

That is why someone who participated in our group but played a background role for a long time decided he needed to step up and help this site when some of those that helped me along the way needed to step away for a while… to continue to make sure this is available for as many as when can appeal to, to finally KILL THE CAN!

Rutroh/ Rob

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Rutroh

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One Comment

  1. If the date is correct, this article is 11 years old. I hope things are going well for you and my condolences for your sister.
    I have read other articles on death and nicotine addiction, but your post is incredible. It delineates the powerful grip that tobacco can have on a person. Even at the latest stages of life and with the maximum amount of pain killers flowing in, a person still tries to get a tobacco fix.
    I hope you stayed off the Nicotine all these years.

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