This has been more than just 100 days for me. I have been working on a lot of self-improvement all around. But, this is about fighting nicotine. I’ve also been working on living in the moment as some have suggested rather than focusing on the negatives in my past. So, I’m going to do a little of both. Not necessarily what has been negative in my life, but more like what lead me here. 101 days ago, I had no idea how much I would gain from KTC besides being quit. I hope one day I can pay-it-forward half of what KTC has given me to future quitters.
I stopped so many times in the past, well, you know the rest…read my intro. Already covered…So, what lead me to KTC and how did I get through my first few weeks? That’s what I’m going to focus on in this speech. My first few weeks because after that, I was cruising. Yes, I had craves, triggers, wig-out moments. As most would attest I HAD ANTICS. But, those were the tools…the tools to beat this ADDITION back. Not cured, just beat it back enough we get better at keeping it at bay. I digress. Had I not built the tools KTC had to offer in the first few weeks, I would not have been able to handle or use those tools the remaining 10-12 weeks leading up to today. So, why KTC and why quit?
My wife and I have been acutely aware some major changes within our family have been needed for some time now leading up to May 22, 2018 (quit date). We have been building up and battling since the beginning of 2017. At least that’s when we started becoming aware. Well, like anything else, real change doesn’t start to happen until things start to become painful. So, some events in our lives were and are beginning to become painful and we HAVE to change or else we aren’t going to like the end results.
You know, the usual stuff. Money, health, kids’ futures, possible grandchildren, family, etc. in general…all any parents with 2 brain cells really worry about. Mostly talk, but no action UNTIL NOW. We’ve been so good at talking, that we barely took any action. We tried quitting together (she smokes), but neither was the right time. Day or two and then…well, here we go again…another stop and start.
Before you sit there and think, “He’s not quitting for himself.” You’d be wrong. My wife and I know we must lead this family, but as a Christian, I know I must lead my wife lead this family. I must be the leader. Like I stated earlier, I had stopped before. For years and years on and off and on and off…mostly more on than off. So, for years and years whenever I’d get motivated, I’d look up and read about addiction, smoking cessation, whatever. I also ran into KTC every so often during my searches. Even downloaded the “What to expect when you quit” sheet and pinned it in my cubicle at work right along side a lot of other “visuals” to help me quit on my own. Then, even downloaded the “Top 100 Reasons to Quit” from KTC…again, I can do this shit on my own. All I need are the “visuals” here. I had crap from so many websites, I won’t bore you. You’ve probably even seen them yourself. Which worked great…until I left work, or got to a weekend, or started pouring adult beverages. I was on my own. Then, all of the sudden, it hit me, and I thought WTF am I doing?!
I am not sure if I prayed the right way or saw something or what, but I snapped. Once I thought about it, I was confident…I did pray right. I turned nicotine into my false idol against God. Which it was because it was putting my will above God’s. I asked God to open my eyes and remove this idol, so I could have a clear line of sight to Him. Then, I got really mad at my chewing. It was at that point, I looked around. Here I was again, headed to Memorial Day weekend. It was going to be another weekend of drinking, chewing, family, friends….spending more money. Different year, same ole shit. Nothing had changed…all staying the same ole shit. So, I started doing my searches…AGAIN.
Through my searches…AGAIN…I stopped at KTC…AGAIN. Clicked in the forums…AGAIN. Went to chat…AGAIN. Just watched and lurked…AGAIN. Well, fuck. Not doing that. I can do this still…I got this…AGAIN. Then I heard the voice in my head. Wait, no…you don’t got SHIT! I finally signed in. I’m MAD, remember? Whenever I had my “stoppages” I uncharacteristically wig out and lash out against my family ALL THE TIME. I become unhinged and rage. So, God sent me to you bad-ass quitters because he needed us to get together. So, there I am, registering…Name, name, name….well, I’m drawing….Architect. Addiction. Dickhead….fuck. Now, most on this blog site whom have gotten to see my antics would agree latter would be better than the former. But, nonetheless, AddictArchitect it is…Dickhead will have to be reserved for another quitter to come along.
Bam, there I am…post day one. Okay….that was that. Let’s check these guys out. Started paging through from the beginning of August 2018. Holy crap, what the heck did I get into here? These guys sound like a bunch of chicks in heat. Bitch, bitch, bitch…drama, drama. I had done many of three days in a row in the past and knew what to expect. It was hell again, but it was easy-ish…had all gum, fake chew, ranchers, wint-o-green life savers and lots of water. After reading the drama, had to put up an affirmation statement on day two on why I was here otherwise I would have lost my freakin’ shit. Probably would have walked away had I not put up my list of reasons why I wanted to quit.
Started posting. Things are going well and basically, this group of bloggers was boring. No one “chats”…or even blogs for that matter and it was crap. I’ve been on blogs before, and this sucks. Turns out, that’s what makes us HOTAK’s the HOTAK’s. Anyway, was thinking about leaving on my 5th day. Then, some guy who Fishes in Florida and another who wants to Look Up all the time are arguing that we couldn’t be the “Spit Quit Mafia” for our August 2018 group’s name or whatever it was. One of the first times I went high and to the right. No one is going to tell US what to do!! I’m going to stick around and show THESE guys. Hmm…right? Thanks FISHFLORIDA and Lookinup. You were the first two that helped me from walking away from KTC to “do it on my own again.” We all know now how that might have turned out.
Then, the next major event that happened to me was my day 12. My day 12 will stick with me forever and ever because that is the day I found out, for the first time in my life, what brotherhood was about. Even though I was in the military 22+ years. You see, I was raised by girls, who were raised by girls and at 46 years old, I have really hard time getting along with other men & boys. I get along really well with women/girls. I digress. For the first time, I knew what it was to look out for another brother in a common cause. Sure, before, I could play along and pretend I got it and did so all my life. So, since day 12 I have been learning more and more about brotherhood. Looking out for one another. Fighting for something on the same side against a common enemy and to do un-waveringly. That’s what I have gotten from KTC. I spent the next week getting to know other quitters and building my phone list and talking to others and texting daily almost 2 ½ dozen other quitters….DAILY! I hope I helped their quits as much as they helped mine. Ans, that, my friends, was how I got to this day because of my first few weeks. I quit one day at a time. Each day, built tools one by one. Finally, quit enough days in a row that I finally got to a place I was confident I could quit every single day without fear of facing those craves or triggers. But, I will not be drifting away…
As you read this, and you have shit in your mouth, you will find the same brotherhood too WHEN you decide to chuck that can and post your day one. For those that have been with me quit, I am grateful for your friendships and brotherhood. For the newer brothers in the beginning of their struggles in December, I’m coming for you to strengthen your quit. We’re addicts and we’re quit if we have each other’s back. If we band together as brothers to fight against this common enemy, we can kill this nic bitch.
I can’t conclude until I congratulate and give my profound thanks to these major players in my quit:
David (arrakisdq) – Could not figure out why on the day I was going to walk away around day 5 some guy had a list of names with mine crossed off. What the hell was a SSOA…then, huh? Someone actually cares I was missing all day? Of course, I didn’t give a shit…I was too foggy. Ever since, you and I have been going back and forth and making each other stronger in quit.
Athan – Don’t know how you do it. Your heart is so big across the spectrum of quit it seems everyone has a story about how you have brightened their life, to include mine. You, brother, have stuck with me in every stage of my tantrums, quit and meltdowns. I hope I have been there when you needed someone as well.
Capital70 – Don’t think I ever got your first name, but your enthusiasm is infectious. You probably learned more from your cave than any other quitter I have seen on the boards and you definitely infected me with your quit.
Tyler (S412) – Like dq, you were one of the first in August to reach out and ask me how I was doing. No one, at the time, I thought gave a crap and then you even called me out when I was acting out.
Boovie – Thanks for at least laughing a little when I run my mouth and for giving me permission to run my mouth. To get it out. It was you that gave me the confidence to let others know that what I was feeling they or you could be feeling it to and it was “normal.”
Rob (Bluemanchew), BubbaM, Batdad, Couchin1, Rooter, 69Franx, Koba, Samrs and probably 3-4 dozen more BAQ’s that I can’t name at the moment only cuz I’m excited, emotional and generally all around proud of ALL of us for sticking it out.
Today may be day 100 for me, but it just means that now I have to be extra vigilant against the nic bitch and I have to give back again more than ever. I only hope I can give back a fraction of what I have gotten from KTC. If I do, I’ll help a 1,000 new quitters. In a sick way, chewing tobacco gave me a new life because I gained so much kicking the nic bitch to the curb by quitting the KTC way.
Remember folks, when you quit the KTC way, it is because you joined KTC…KTC did not join you. If you decide to be a special butterfly and think you’re going to tell KTC how you’re going to quit? I’ll find you. The less you kick and scream, the quicker it is to form that brotherhood with this special bunch of quitters! The quicker you become QUIT instead of stopping again. Tomorrow is day 101 and I will see you here!