2013 Smokeless Summit

Who Will Represent KTC at the 2013 Spit Tobacco Summit

Dirt Road at Night Image by © Sam Diephuis/Corbis
Dirt Road at Night — Image by © Sam Diephuis/Corbis

The continuing saga of Coach Steve and his narrative about the The 7th National Summit on Smokeless and Spit Tobacco Summit in Missoula, MT to be held August 6th through the 8th.  KillTheCan.org is sponsoring the event and will be sending two representatives in an official capacity to spread our brand of quit.  If you’re so inclined, you can help by donating to the cause to cover expenses and marketing material.  Thank you in advance.

If you haven’t checked out Part 1 of Coach Steve’s Narrative I’d suggest you give it a read.  And now, the saga continues…

(Just as Ready is beginning to explain to CS how the 5 finalists to represent KTC at the 2013 National Spit Summit in Missoula, Montana on August 6-8 will find him, Nolaq re-enters the room) 

NOLAMFQ: Sorry to interrupt sirs, but I have an urgent message {leaning down to whisper into Loot’s ear}

Loot: {rolling his eyes} Ferfucksake……

Ready: Mr. Coach, it appears we have another matter that needs our attention {motioning to Mjollnir} Please show Mr. Coach the way home

Mjollnir: With pleasure

CS: What…..you’re sending me home with him?

Ready: Fine…..Scowick, please accompany them

Scowick: Will do…{gesturing} this way Coach

(Mjollnir and Scowick fly CS back to the 2013 National Spit Summit fundraising thermometer. The helicopter arrives just as the sun is dipping below the horizon….CS steps out of the helicopter )

Scowick: Remember the talent competition is only a few days away, you’ve got some work to do

Mjollnir: Yeah Coach…get to work!

CS: Hey Mjollnir

Mjollnir: Yeah…..?

CS: That’s what your mom said last night

Mjollnir: Why you little!

(Scowick lifts the helicopter into the air and leaves CS standing in a swirling cloud of dust)

CS: {talking to himself} Great…..now its dark and I’ve got to walk my ass back to the Glass House

(CS looks down the main road and then peers down the dirt access road used by MODS)

CS: {to himself} I know they tell us not to use these roads…..but what the hell

(CS starts out down the dirt access road. The road is only wide enough for one vehicle as overgrown weeds and trees line the shoulders. The road winds back and forth and the stark moonlight is the only thing enabling CS to see which direction the road is turning. Just then, CS hears a rustling in the bushes)

CS: {freezing} Who goes there?

(Rustling stops….)

CS: {swallowing the lump in his throat} Show yourself….this is your last warning!

(Someone stumbles out of the bushes with his hands halfway in the air. CS can’t make out his face in the pale moonlight)

Mystery Quitter: Whoa, whoa, whoa…..no need to get all crazy there cowboy!

CS: You sound familiar…do I know you?

Mystery Quitter: Maybe…..I haven’t been around here in awhile

CS: Wait…..Gator….is that you?

Instigator: The one and only….how have been Coach?

CS: Oh not bad……what in the hell are you doing out here in the middle of the night?

Instigator: Trying to lay low….I just got back into town a few days ago

CS: Where have you been?

Instigator: Oh here and there really….nothing exciting to speak of

CS: If I recall correctly, you pissed some people off before leaving town

Instigator: Yeah I did…..I was a loose cannon back then. So Coach…why in the hell are YOU out here in the middle of the night?

CS: I’m on a mission

Instigator: {sarcastically waiving his hands in the air} Ooooohh….super special Coach. What’s your mission?

CS: To spread the word about the 2013 National Spit Summit and the 2 representatives KTC will be sending this year

Instigator: Sounds like a worthy cause, so what’s the gig?

CS: Well apparently I’m supposed to interview the finalists

Instigator: Who are the finalists?

CS: I don’t know yet….

(Just then, the quitters see the headlights of a MOD Squad Crown Vic rounding a curve up ahead, they duck into the thick brush….)

Razd: {hanging his head out of the passenger window holding an old fashioned spot light} Naw man, Kate Upton is waaaaay hotter than Catrinel Menghia 

Jost2brown: {bringing the car to a stop} Dude I don’t even know who Catrinel Men-chia is…

Razd: Men-ghia…it’s the girl from the Fiat commercials

J2B: Whatever….hey you sense that?

Razd: Yes…my MOD sense is going crazy!

(Back over in the bushes)

Instigator: Shit…..I think they’re onto me

CS: What do you mean ‘onto you’?

Instigator: Never mind that….hey I gotta split, don’t worry they won’t mess with you….{patting CS on the chest}….just be sure not to tell them you talked to me

CS: Wait…what are you talking about……?

(Instigator slips into the shadows of the tall brush…

J2b: {shining his flashlight in CS’s face} Hey you there..! What are you doing here?

CS: {putting his hands in the air} FU J2B


Razd: Whatcha got Brown?

J2b: Got us a straggler….

Razd: {seeing CS} Well, well, well….F.U.C.S

CS: Howdy Razd….

Razd: Whatcha doing out here Coach?

CS: On my way home, just got lost I guess….

J2B: Lost huh…? Out here?

CS: Yeah…..I’m trying to find some people

Razd: Who people?

CS: I was told the finalists to attend the 2013 National Spit Summit in Montana will be finding me

J2B: {surprised look} Hot damn Razd! It’s him!

CS: {looking at Razd and pointing at J2B} What’s he talking about?

Razd: We’re two of the finalists….

CS: Ohhhhhhh…..I see. So you guys wanna represent KTC at the Spit Summit?

J2B: You bet Coach! Me and razd would make a great team!

CS: Oh so you’re a sister act?

Razd: FUCS

CS: Seriously though…can a brother get a ride back to town?

Razd: Hop in….

(Riding in the MOD Squad Crown Vic on the way back to the 2012 Quit Groups)

CS: So….who were you guys looking for back there?

J2B: Oooh this is fun….I feel like we’re in one of those reality cop shows!

Razd: Pipe down chatter nut….

J2B: Chatter nut?

CS: Seriously….what is it a matter of national security or something?

Razd: Not really, we were looking for the quitter that calls himself Instigator

CS: Oh…..

Razd: He’s returned to KTC following a long absence and we’ve been told to keep an eye out for him

J2B: Yeah he’s a former chat mod too so he knows all of the back roads

Razd: So Coach….you didn’t see anything odd out there did you?

CS: Um……can’t say that I did. So….what are you guys planning on doing as your talent?

J2B: Well like we said it’s going to be a team act, maybe some juggling, a few magic tricks and some sketch comedy

CS: Sounds invigorating…

Razd: Very funny Coach….either way it doesn’t matter what we do for our talent. It’s much more important that KTC have representation at the 2013 National Spit Summit. That’s what we’re all here for…the quit, and the more people we can reach the better

J2B: Right you are Razd!

CS: Well said sir

(As the MOD Squad Crown Vic bounds over the HOF train railroad tracks they notice CleanFuel walking on the sidewalk)

CS: Hey guys can you pull over so I can holler at Cleanfuel?

J2B: I dunno Coach….we really need to get…

Razd: {Interrupting J2B} What J2B meant to say is we really don’t mind…

J2B: Right you are Razd!

(Razd hits the siren once and pulls up next to CleanFuel)

CS: {hanging out of the window} What are you doing out on the streets this late?

CleanFuel: {startled} Damn Coach, you scared the shit out of me….what in the hell are you doing in a MOD Squad car?

CS: It’s kind of a long story…let’s just say I’m spreading the word about the 2013 National Spit Summit in Missoula, Montana on Aug. 6-8

CleanFuel: What about it?

J2B: {rolling down the window} They’re sending two representatives from KTC

CleanFuel: Sounds awesome, who’s going?

CS: Don’t know yet, it’ll all be decided by a talent show competition. Razd and J2B here are a few of the finalists

CleanFuel: Cool….a talent show seems like an odd way to designate representatives but whatever. I’ll support KTC in any way I can

CS: Thanks for supporting the cause

CleanFuel: Hey no problem Coach, I owe this place big time!

CS: You and me both….well you have yourself a good night sir

CleanFuel: You too Coach! Quit Like Fuck!

(Razd winds the MOD Squad Crown Vic down Quit Groups Boulevard and turns into the 2012 Quit Groups subdivision. They pass the August 2012 house where Ziesmer has trimmed the front hedges into a large middle finger)

CS: Oh that Z…what a character

Razd: {pulling into the driveway of the Glass House of April 2012} Right you are Coach! So we’re here….

CS: Thanks for the ride….I guess I’ll be seeing you guys at the talent show competition?

J2B: Sounds good Coach

(CS steps out of the Crown Vic and ascends the stairs to the Glass House as Razd backs out of the driveway and speeds off towards Quit Groups Boulevard)

CS: {to himself} What an odd day….

(CS unlocks the front door and steps into the foyer of the Glass House. As he closes the door, he hears a familiar voice)

Cbird: Late night?

CS: Long story….how was the game?

Cbird: We out vigored them….beat ‘em 24-22. Vadge drove in the winning runs with an extra special vigor kick

CS: Sorry I missed it…

Cbird: No worries…so Keddy stopped by earlier. He was looking for you but wouldn’t tell me why….is there something I should know about?

CS: Like I said, long story

Cbird: Well maybe you can tell the Watcher one day. Anyways, Keddy said he’d drop back by tomorrow

CS: Good…I need to rest my narrative muscles

A sincere thank you to all of those that have already donated to the 2013 Smokeless Smokeless & Spit Tobacco Summit cause.  Follow the comments on this thread to see our progress.  We’re very much looking forward to attending and representing real QUITTERS!

To be continued……

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