I was driving home last night and I was really stressed and quite frankly tired of quitting, real tired of quitting. I made a decision, I can be a social dipper, I can cut back and just do it occasionally. I stopped at the c-store, oh man, here comes the embarrassment of buying Copenhagen. I go into the store and there it is, my long lost friend. I pick up a can and a bottle of coke to spit into and pay for it. Another $6.50 wasted. I go to my car and tear it open and put a dip in, did it really taste this bad? I drive home and my head is spinning, I am feeling guilty.
I pull in the driveway and damn, my wife is home – she was supposed to be gone for another hour. Hurry up, spit it out. I look in the mirror, cope flakes everywhere and I have no gum which means I have to bypass kissing my wife. I hastily say hello and rush upstairs to get another fix, one dip and my brain is screwed up already. I hit the bathroom, put another dip in and sit there for 20 minutes. I am feeling nauseous. I come out brush my teeth and go down for dinner. My wife knows something is up but can’t quite tell.
After dinner I pull the same bathroom routine. I really thought I liked doing this, how come I am depressed about it. I am like a junkie who needs another fix. My boys want me to play with them; no I have work to do tonight. That’s my way of saying don’t bother me, I want to dip in peace. I feel terrible, they have had me to themselves for over 260 days and now I am discarding them. I can probably tell you how the rest of the night went, including the last dip when everyone went to sleep. I struggle with what I am gong to say today to my quit brothers; maybe I should cut out all contact. Quitters I depended on and who depended on me and now I have let both of us down. I go to sleep and I wake up in a cold sweat………. Thank god this was just a dream, a vivid dip dream.
Instead of making me want a dip, this dream reinforced my quit because I remembered the embarrassment of buying it, the money spent, the hurting gums, the addiction, the lying, the loneliness, the pain of ignoring my children, the missing out on my wife’s kisses.
Not sure why I posted this but I am proud to be quit of this hideous addiction.