Rising From the Grip of Demons

Richard K avatarI have always been a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.  That hasn’t been so for my whole life.  There are still things in my life that I still cannot find the reason why they have happened.  Sometimes things are just unexplainable but regretful.  I am not a fully religious man nor do I believe in many ghostly encounters.  However, I do believe wholeheartedly that there are demons everywhere,   the proverbial demons, real demons, and the demons in your head.  My mother smoked for as long as I can remember  my father quit smoking when I was in kindergarten, my sister smoked for a little while and in fact my parents and my sister were partially the reason I started to smoke.  Thinking back to one summer night in Aug of 1984 I was eight and pretending to be my mother by wrapping grass up into my Return of the Jedi card that they bought me earlier that day.  I stole some matches from my mother, after I lit it and held it, it just felt so natural for me, but I did not stay smoking for long.  However, the planted seed of the demon rests within my mind at that point.  It already started to have a death grip on my psyche.  A few weeks later I decided it was a good idea to grab a cigarette from my mother, Salem menthol Light 100s, it was a lung rocket from hell.  At this point, the demon had me full force I have been attacked by two real demons to this point and a proverbial demon in nicotine, which is becoming a full-fledged realistic demon in my life.  I was gripped!  Hooked!  Addicted for life!  My life was decent for the most part as a child, other than having to bring my friends home with me so my dad wouldn’t kick my ass because I wasn’t good enough in his eyes.

This is another demon that in the last 100 days I realized that has been a huge reason for my nicotine habit, and I am currently in counseling for that.  This has put the many demons in my head for my habit-forming ways…  I have realized I definitely have an addictive personality and know where it stems from.

I have quit many times and they all ended in failure just like other things in my life, which sucked the self-esteem right out of my body.  I have always hated dipping, carrying that bottle of spit around like a wino and his booze, wait I am that wino in my own right, I always will be in fact, I am an addict of one of the worst demons known to man.  Bouncing back and forth over and over with a never-ending cycle of hatred, disgust and self-pity.

I have always looked at KTC as a guest but never had the balls to actually register.  Of course!  Richard is afraid of the failure demon as well..  Go figure.  The week following up to my quit I found myself getting sick of my dip, taking it out almost as fast as I put it in,  I never recycled the worm dirt either so I was just flushing that money right down the toilet.  My jaw was hurting, my mouth was dry, the nicotine started to frustrate me more and more.  I started to realize that I can win this battle.  I told my wife that I was going to quit.  I would allow myself 2 dips on Monday and my first full day would be the 29th.

I took the plunge, had a dip at noon and 3 pm on Monday the 28th of March 2016.  Those were the last dips I had.  I logged onto KTC and it has been amazing with the brotherhood and sisterhood amongst this site.  Suthern and Sub started it off amongst the Phalanx itself.  I saw firsthand with Kbdavear what happens to cavers but I am glad I did because I got a friend for life because of it.  Wow the raging was funny as hell when I look back at it now and as I see new groups forming.

I found a calling with this group by helping others with their quit (jayperks).  Tracking people’s days quit, health statistics, birthdays etc.  You guys help me by allowing me to help you and holding each other accountable.  My kids who took almost 30 days to figure out that I quit look at me in a whole other way now than they did 100 days ago.  My wife has supported me from the beginning and has been tolerant of my assholeness knowing that it is for the best.  Through you, my family and myself I am rising from the grip of demons…I Quit with all of you, Every day, good and bad along my road of quit because I am an addict, I am not alone, I will live on.  Nicotine the demon is that of a state of mind, to be beaten every day.  Good bye demon good bye!!!!!!! Thank you KTC and the Phalanx for helping me with my quit and I can’t wait to QLF with all of you EDD!!! Also, if you have read my signature I will quote from one of my favorite movies (and the Bible, I know) Pulp Fiction…

“Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.”

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Richard K

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