This reflection and speech should and will start at the beginning.
My first run in with dip, I was just another youth trying something new or different. I was in college and picked up smoking here and there. That habit ended pretty quickly, because I hated not being able to breathe. During that time I also tried chewing tobacco (Redman) and dip. A friend brought over Wolf Peach, we would put in a dip and play video games. It wasn’t a regular thing, at first, but we all know how that goes.
After a while instead of waiting for my buddy to bring over his can, I started to buy my own can. Wolf, Skoal, Copp, Grizzly, and Longhorn I tried it all. At the time I thought I enjoyed it. The nic bitch was lying to me, I was lying to myself. A can would last a week or so, at first. Then it got progressively worse until it got pretty heavy before I graduated. After I college, I would still dip but since work wouldn’t allow it, I would just dip on the drive in and the drive home from work (30-40 minutes). I didn’t dip at home, I should have quit then.
Looking back I see that the nic bitch already had her hooks into me. Just hanging on, waiting for me to screw up. I should have shed her when I had the chance. Year or so went by and then I got a job where I could dip at work. And then I did just that. I was done, I had no excuse not too, The nic bitch wouldn’t let me stop and I couldn’t stop myself.
Once a week (if not more) I would stay up at night promising myself that the can I buy tomorrow would be the last. And it never was. I would get up eat breakfast and then basically dip the rest of the day. Take it out for meals and then when I was done eating I would put one back in. Looking back, it is amazing that I even bothered taking one out for meals. I would stop for a week or so, even a few months once. But I would lie to myself and make excuses to why I should start again. You know; “It won’t be as bad as last time”, “I won’t dip as much”, “I can stop anytime”. None of those were ever the case.
I finally found this place in Feb ‘15. I read the rules and I was about to sign up and it said I couldn’t have any dip. So I made another excuse, I had half a can left, I will just finish that one last can and then sign up after that. Another lie to myself. Fast forward 6 months and I finally signed up.
I guess I should mention that this isn’t my first Hall of Fame. I had one with the Zombroski Nymphos of Nov ‘15. This is my first HOF speech though (not sure why I didn’t want to write a HOF speech, probably internal lies and excuses, like usual). I jumped in and stayed positive with that group. I missed a day here and there but I posted regularly. After 100 days it got more and more infrequent until I just stopped posting. I was setting myself up for another excuse. If you read my 3 questions, you already know what happens.
I went back, the nic bitch tricked me, I got complacent, and she/I gave me a pre-made excuse. I kept moving away from accountability and eventually I was on my own. A few pushes from the internal nic bitch and there I was buying a can of Skoal pouches. Because I thought, I couldn’t get re-addicted with just some pouches. Another excuse, another lie. After a few days, and 2 cans bought and used, I remembered why I broke up with her to begin with. I knew I wanted to come back, but was too proud at first. I also was so full of shame. I let the group down, I let my family down and I let myself down.
But when I was struggling to get out, I knew that this place gave me my best chance to quit and stay quit. I just needed to stop fucking around and re commit.
I jumped back in, I answered my three questions and I reflected on my failure. I stayed on it and posted roll 100% of the time. I reached out to those who were drifting away. I learned from my mistakes and wanted to pass those onto others. All of those things that are said, in these groups by the vets are true. You have to stay committed, you have to be accountable. We are all here for the same reason, to stay quit.
The simple act of just getting up and posting every single day is a life saver. It develops a habit that replaces a terrible, killer habit.
I am just 100 days in and I know the road is long and there will be speed bumps. But I promise that I will stay committed, stay accountable and most importantly stay quit.
Lastly, I want to say a special thanks to JB of the Zombroski Nymphos. After I rejoined, he would post in the support section of the group. I never reached out and said anything but it meant a lot to me that someone from my old group, a group I let down, would come over and post in support. About 90% of the time, by the end of the day he would post in support section. Thanks JB, that small token of support was much appreciated and did not go unnoticed.
Stay strong and stay quit.
Quit date 11/14/16