In my opinion the HOF is an assessment point, not a changing point. A point to step back and evaluate; shape new goals and continue moving forward. It has taken me several weeks to comprehend this notion.
I’ve written a couple of HOF speeches. I’ve given a great deal of thought to what I wanted to convey. At the onset I wanted a highly insightful speech. A poetic speech. A speech where someone would read it and say there is a bad ass quitter that has beaten this addiction.
I wrote two lengthy, well put together speeches. Ones filled with canned pearls of wisdom. Aimed to help inspire existing quitters and future quitters. I almost submitted the second speech. However, every day I would find some reason why I should not…something that needed changing or some excuse of how I was too busy at work. That was all just horseshit.
The real reason I have waited to submit a HOF speech…now a month after hitting the hall.
Plain and simple, I was and still am scared. I’m scared that I will have to eat these words one day.
I think about my father. He quit smoking when I was born. He quit for 10 years. I have wondered, yet never asked…what was his cave story. Why start back after so long??? Now my father, 19 years after his cave, is still puffing away.
I think about a KTC quitter…a guy that came back here recently. He caved on a 1000+ day quit. He joined a new group and posted a “1 and done.” He never came back for day 2. I sent the guy quite a few e-mails urging him to come back, never heard a word. I started to wonder…maybe he was in a accident…maybe he had a heart attack…maybe he was abducted by aliens. I highly doubt any of those things occurred. He is more than likely starting his own 19 year long cave.
These facts above not only scare me, but now serve to inspire me to not make the same mistake. They make me realize how hard I will fight to maintain this quit.
I dipped for approximately 3650 days. I’ve been quit now for 127. I am still on the deficit side of the ledger. I have a long way to go, and never will I let myself become comfortable with my quit. My plan is to never forget my first 100 days.
I will not become complacent.
I will not think I ever have this beat.
I will not let myself forget the chains in which kept me constantly tied to a can.
I will not forget how bad the first few weeks sucked.
I will not forget how much healthier I feel now.
I will not forget that we are all one bad decision away from a 19 year cave.
I will not forget that I am an addict.
Prior to coming to KTC I never understood that fact. I thought addicts were those guys down on the north side of town that will suck another guy off to get the crack rock. Turns out I was wrong. Since I was a teenager I woke up every single morning looked in the mirror without realizing an addict was staring back. I never recognized the stranglehold nicotine had on my life. Acknowledging this fact brought a significant change in my quit.
I will not forget my KTC brothers. Unique screen names with funny avatars…people who for the large majority I will never meet. People who have helped me more than they will ever know. Brothers who are going through this same thing, fighting the same battles, and all doing it together…one day at a time.
I do not want to be alone on a quit island. This is a unique thing we have here, and I’m not walking away. Not for a long time.
I’m going to keep doin it…bringing the quit funk. One day at a time. Posting roll, looking for support, and providing the same to my KTC family.
One final note. To my wife, thank you for standing beside me every step of the way. Thank you for putting up with my crazy. Thank you for being my best friend. As I give each person here my word daily…I give you my word that I’m going to do everything possible to lead a healthy lifestyle to make sure that I’m always around for you and our daughter.