I believe it was someone famous who once said, “the human body is the most complex machine in the world.” Could not agree more, and to me, my past 105 days is proof of that.
This may be long but I don’t care as my ass has been kicked up and down, I’m very proud of myself for making it to the HOF and I want to tell my story!
Unlike many I did not start chewing at an early age, in fact I was 23 years old when I started my 15 year addiction. I had just graduated college and was renting my own place and enjoying my freedom. I had a buddy that came over almost every night to hang out with a can of kodiak and a bottle brown shit. “You better not spill that nasty ass shit on my rug” I believe I said to him almost every time he started finger banging a can. He tried many times to to get me to try some, “come on this shit will give you a sweet buzz!” Time after time I said no. Then FINALLY, don’t ask me why, I tried a pinch. I wish my body had some kind of mechanism that would make you reject nicotine, I mean surely such a complex machine would have one. Oh wait…it did. I got dizzy as hell, threw up, and felt like shit the rest of the night, all while my buddy laughed his ass off. Thank God for that nicotine reject button in the brain or I might have gotten hooked on that stuff…oh wait despite throwing up I tried and tried again until I fell in love wit Kodiak.
At first I started using it once in awhile, while playing video games, watching football, while doing yard work etc. Probably went through a can a week, not too bad, at least that’s what my mind told me. Over time though I kept finding ways to fit it in to my schedule more and more…driving, golfing, bowling, waking up, going to bed, taking a shower, taking a shit, etc…Now I was up to almost 2 cans a day. Still that wasn’t too bad according to my mind.
This went on for 15 year and in that time period I married my awesome wife and had 2 beautiful kids. All the while I ninja dipped like a mofo. NOBODY but a few of my “boys” knew of my nasty “habbit”. I loved my life, wife, and kids but I loved my kodiak too, which I knew was bad. Surely my mind would tell me to quit now that I had so many wonderful things in my life and I knew that this stuff could kill me…but no my mind came up with an awesome plan. Quit when you get a bad sore in your mouth or something, until then you’ll be fine. I only thought about the damage dip could do between your lips and gums, never to your brain. BIG MISTAKE.
Well, around Memorial day this year I had a fat lip that felt like it was going to explode. I played it off like no biggie until my wife said “what happened to your bottom lip, it’s HUGE.” This is when my body went into PANIC mode. The big C…I had it, I was gonna be busted in the worst possible way…I ended up having a panic attack, passed out and took an ambulance ride to the hospital.
They checked me out, my lip was fine it looked like I bit it according to the doctor and they sent me home. Not one time did I mention to a doctor, nurse, family member or anyone that I had been dipping for 15 years. When they said my lip was fine I was like “sweet I can keep dipping”. So when I got home I made up some lame excuse to go out and popped in a dip, ahhhhh life was back to normal, or was it?
Suddenly I didn’t feel so “safe” dipping. What if next time I have something wrong with my lip and it is the big C, I’ll be fucked…finally my mind was trying to talk some sense into me, and once again my body went into panic mode and I ended up back in the hospital for 2 days. They checked my ass out from top to bottom, I was fine. FINALLY as the doctors, nurses, my wife, kids, parents, and brothers were in the room, I confessed to EVERYTHING and promised to quit, and I wept like a little baby the entire time. Half because it felt so good to get it off my chest but half because I thought everyone was gonna be pissed at me. I was shocked at what happened next, they all started to cry too and said everything was ok, and they would help in anyway possible to help me quit…talk about the soul doing it’s finest work…and it wasn’t even my soul that was doing it, it was those I loved the most. I was touched beyond belief.
As I have stated in my intro I came running out the gates like a maniac, and the first 5 days I quit I thought I had it licked, then came day 6 and BOOM, the bottom dropped out. Anxiety and depression hit me like a mofo. I had joined KTC when I first quit and kept pretty quiet but when the shit hit the fan and I started reading like had been suggested and I got scared shitless at some of the stuff I was reading and left the sight. I had not drank the ktc koolaide…yet. Read the first page of my intro for all the details.
As I was seeing a counselor when I was away from the site this dude named Wedgie kept texting me trying to get me to come back to the site, and even though I said no, he would still check up on me and send me daily texts of encouragement. I thought he was crazy at the time, but that was just another example of the human spirit, not mine, but somebody else’s helping out a fellow man. I cannot put into words how much that means to me now.
Durring the time I was away from the sight I was a fucking MESS. Anxiety and depression were only part of my agony. I thought the whole concept of “one day at a time” was complete bullshit, when my shrink told me things would get better I wanted to tell her to fuck off, I was a useless piece of shit at work, could not drive without having an anxiety attack, I lost all passion for the things I loved including my family…I was a deadbeat. BUT….for some fucked up reason I was determined not to go back to dipping again…I think MY soul was finally doing some work.
Eventually I started to feel a little bit better and started reading on KTC and was busted by Wedgie…and I joined back up and started posting roll again, never once going back to the nic bitch.
I struggled at first, kept asking WHEN will I feel better, probably annoyed the fuck out of everyone but they kept encouraging me and saying things will get better, I did not believe them but I kept quit.
Then, not exactly sure when maybe in the 70’s or 80’s I did start to feel better and my body mind and soul started to believe I actually could do this shit. I got help from Skoal Monster with some encouraging words and a book recommendation, WT was and is still helping me a lot by sharing his experiences, Wedgie remained in my corner and still is, hell even Gooch (rip) helped me along the way, Morgan encourages me via text. Countless others too were responding positively to my posts and encouraging me and I kept feeling better and better until my MIND, BODY, and SOUL went from being totally fucked up by nicotine to HATING it with a passion and is now on a mission to beat it’s ass everyday and I am 100% confident that I can never put that shit in my body again. It won’t be easy but I know I can do it. BUT I WOULD NOT BE IN POSITION TO DO ANY OF IT WITHOUT KTC AND ALL ON THIS SITE. IT TRULY IS A LIFE SAVER. Too many individually to thank as I know I will leave someone out, but again, thanks to all of you who took time to encourage me. And to the newbies…stick with it!!!! If I can make it 100 days any asshole can.
I find it amazing that our bodies can go from being totally hooked and dependent on a drug that will kill you for 15 years or more, to a state where you totally hate IT and want to kill IT in a 100 day span. The body truly is an amazing machine.
Finally, I have to thank my true soul mate, my wife. She put up with so much shit and stood by me the entire way with nothing but encouragement. She truly is an amazing woman and I am blessed to have her and love her to death. She truly endured the “bad times” thing from out wedding vows.
Ok, I think I’ve said enough…
Peace Out and stay quit,
NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Diesel2112