Day 1: “My wife has threatened me with divorce because of this stupid habit and I’m tired of sneaking off or sitting in the bathroom instead of spending time with my family and doing things I love. Yet I still manage to convince myself it’s ok but not anymore. No more lying. No more being embarrassed what this crap has done to my teeth. I’m sure I’ll get to know some of you along the way and cheers to the start of a life without this crap.”
Day 6: “…Right then a guy from this site texted me. Saying you have to fight every minute of every day. Fight it with the thoughts of your family and the trouble dip has caused you. Fight it with the thought of your future grandchildren and what mouth cancer does to you. Don’t give in and fight the struggle. I turned the corner and walked right into a bag of jolly ranchers. walked out with a bottle of water and some hard candy…”
Day 14: “…The biggest help for me has been the constant reminder nicotine hasn’t helped me stay focused, or relieved stress, or given me energy when I’m tired. In fact, it’s the opposite. I’m tired, stressed, and distracted because my body is fighting the poison. Nicotine isn’t the cure, it’s the problem. This is crazy because I was in a completely different place just three days ago..”
Day 70: “The biggest challenge is I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what my daily routine is now. The last two months have been purely focusing on how to get to the next day. Now I need to find out who the new me is..”
I went through my introduction to start getting ideas of what to write. Thought the quotes above were pretty good. I can’t believe how different things are now than they were on January 21st. I was literally driving to work (after getting caught by my wife) trying to decide what I was going to do. Was I going to quit dipping or walk away from a great marriage because “she didn’t understand me”?? Holy Shit!! If it wasn’t for my two kids, I honestly don’t know. Just writing that makes me sick to my stomach. This drug had such a hold on me, I was to the point of walking away from the love of my life. I remember calling it a habit. I remember worrying about the fake stuff because it would be harder to break “the habit”. It took 2 weeks for me to realize I really was an addict and hooked on an awful drug. It took me 70 days before I could look up and see the world without nictone. And it took me 110 days to understand I was no longer quitting but QUIT. DONE. An addict in recovery and always will be but officially quit.
It’s been a brutally hard 4 months and I never want to do it again. BUT life has drastically changed. This might sound ridiculous to a guy/gal on day 3 but it is. My taste buds work. I don’t have dehydration headaches by Thursday or Friday because of dipping so much during the week. I go to bed with my wife instead of staying up to sneak another dip. I play with my kids on the weekends instead of “running off to home depot” or taking 45 mins bathroom breaks. I’m not tired. I workout to help with stress which actually works unlike cat shit. I feel like everything has changed.
I spent 20 yrs not just dipping but being a dipper. The tough guy who liked the image of having a chew in. And then when I had to start hiding it, I was hiding who I was and people didn’t get me. Now I look at the old me and think how could they understand?? I was behaving as an irrational addict. Putting poison into my body had nothing to do with who I am. My addict self had created this elaborate facade (the curtain hiding the great and powerful OZ)…
And that’s where 100 days has gotten me. I can look in the mirror and not be a “dipper” but a loving father and husband. With that said, I will always be an addict. My life has completely changed but I have so much to learn. And that’s awesome. I can focus on the how and why part of addiction. I have the brothers and sisters to help me along the way. Not just in May but throughout all of KTC. Thank you all for the support and help along the way. I hope in the next phase I can build on the friendships started and continue to learn from people with years of experience and from those who are just starting this amazing journey.
NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member PJ8324