What Addiction Does To Us
So I know it’s early but I realized something yesterday after watching an addiction commentary by Brandon Novak. He was saying that the use of a substance was Not the problem, but in fact, the Solution to your problem. At first it sounds like he’s encouraging use, but I realize that he is saying that the using of a substance is a solution we create to s problem we already have.
After hearing this, I took a deep look at what my problem was. Granted I feel great being off dip, I’ve never looked back, but I also get frustrated more easily, anger more than I used to and I’m more anxious than I’ve ever been. I know that the body does this in these first 100 days, but what if that’s actually just a small contributor?
Being off dip for 71 days, I needed to look for the true solution. The problem is I started dipping when I was 18, which is 9 years ago. What caused me to dip? What was I trying to solve by it? Back then, I had little confidence. I didn’t believe I could do well in school. I didn’t believe I could get a girlfriend. I didn’t believe I was smart, good looking, charismatic, etc. So dip was my Solution to the underlying Problem. To me, dip was that thing that made me feel like the shit. With one in I could concentrate better, be more charismatic, better looking (because it made me feel “rough and tough”) and made me feel like I could do anything.
After 71 days of quit, I realize I’ve already accomplished a ton without dip. I’ve already been promoted at my job I got not 3 months ago. I’ve planned for a wedding that’s happening in 2 days. I’ve saved all my dip money in a savings account and become more financially stable. I accomplished it all without dip. Although I haven’t found the full proof solution to the problem, I’ve now taken steps to admit there was an underlying problem. By doing so I have been able to tackle my addiction without it turning into another.
Then there’s a second part to this solving the underlying Problem to find an appropriate Solution. Addiction allows you to remember the “good” times. This was the hardest part of my quit. My first year of dipping I almost quit, but something stopped me. I took a college statistics test hungover with only 2 hours of sleep because the night before I drove with some friends to Seattle to go to a strip club. I passed that test with a 98% and I did it with a dip in. My addiction allows me to remember almost every question on that test, the friends I was with, the name of the club, the name of my favorite dancer, the time we got back and the taste of that dip. What my addiction didn’t want/allow me to remember was when my dad found the first can in my truck and how he began shaking, not knowing until a couple months later that he would be diagnosed with Parkinson’s. It doesn’t allow me to remember getting hit in the head with that same full can of chew in the head by my mom, and lying to her about intending to throw it away. It doesn’t allow me to remember scavenging for change when it was the end of a paycheck just to get my dip. That is the shit it doesn’t want you to remember. But God Damn I can remember that statistics test.
That’s what addiction does, it makes you remember and cherish the one or two wins that it happened to be with you at the time. It also blocks out the 100s of times that were insurmountably terrible. Looking back I realize that those wins were my own, not dips. Dip didn’t help me propose to my soon to be wife. Dip didn’t get me to graduate nursing school. Dip didn’t land me a job before I was even out of school. That shit was me. Dip just wanted to steal that glory.
Now that I’m quit, I realize I can tackle all of these things. I can continue my schooling. I can get married. I can run my farm and expand while nursing as well. I can do it all without dip. I can harness my addiction and rally it to focuses that are beneficial. I can live life on my own and achieve these milestones in my own. Fuck you dip, all you were was coat tailing MY success, but no more. You are long gone and ain’t coming back.
If you need someone pm me and I’ll be there.
NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member NurseFarmer