I wish I could write better, y’know?
I’m 35 days away from being a year quit. I can barely comprehend that thought let alone put it into words!
Been thinking about time… And freedom. I have both now and they mean something completely different than they did 330 days ago. Freedom was a need to be rid of the weight of all the time my addiction took. I… Was an absolute junkie. Every part of every day was an exercise in, damn near constant, time management. Is my store open? How early do I have to leave so I can still get dip and be on time? Do I have time to hit the store before I’m late in picking up my daughter from school? It’s midnight and I have to get up earlier than my store opens… Should I go now? How early should I load the SUV for vacation so I can hide my shit in a really clever spot (and pat myself on the back for my cleverness in dooshbaggery)? How long can I keep this one in before people are around? It wasn’t that long… Should I recycle it for later? When can I take a 1 hr shower so I can shave and dip? Blahblahblahyadayadayada. I could go on and on.
See? Every. Waking. Moment.
I won’t berate myself or bemoan the loss because it’s past. I’m done. I’m quit.
So, today?… Freedom! It’s not just the daily beat down of my addiction and being free of its unbearable weight… It’s also the release of the burden to manage it. My time is spent living my life… instead of wasting it.