Nick T and the 1st 100 Days….. FINALLY

Hall of Fame KTC 4So Croak and Copequits deserve a huge thanks for being our conductors and dealing with all of us. I had sent this to them with the hope that they would maybe tell me not to post some of it. Unfortunately they didn’t come back with a negative and I figured what the hell, I wrote it so it means enough to me to put to paper, so I reckon you all will just have to suffer. I had one other thought that I wish to add to this laundry list of bovine scat. Reaching out to folks added purpose to my quit like you wouldn’t believe. It made me vested in their quit which somehow seemed to buffer some of my own quit issues. There’s something cathartic about engaging with other likeminded folks in pursuit of remaining nicotine free. Don’t be afraid to buy in, it might be the best thing you ever do. Now for the real shit show.

Nick T HOF – Hey CopeQuits and Croak, I apologize for the menagerie of bullshittery I’ve ended up writing. I just started and couldn’t quit. Some of this may not be fit for posting on our site as it might not resonate with some. Please feel free to edit as you see fit. I would totally understand deleting the last two paragraphs and the poem. The poem especially as it is quite corny and proof that a degree in literature doesn’t mean you can write. The last thing I want to do is appear to be disrespectful to anyone. Particularly to you two and other folks who have vested so much of your time in supporting each of our quits. Aaron, I would also like to apologize for not responding to your PM. It was the first one I received and I thought you were out of your damn mind for sending me your telephone number. Little did I know how important the sharing of digits would become. Again, thanks so much for your efforts and I plan on being here with you for a hell of a long time.

Now for some endless bantering with no clear order. So I am extremely gratified in being quit for 100 days. The roughly $600 plus dollars I have saved makes the occasional crave, dip dream, bout of insomnia, odd taste, and fog, simply a reminder that I no longer chew Copenhagen. I say chew because I pretty much ate it for 40 plus years. It is however just a small part of that satisfaction.

I started dipping Copenhagen around 1977 or so as I recall. My friend and I used to go fly fishing on the Lostine River after changing sprinkler pipe damn near every day. One day he had pilfered a can of Cope from his mom’s boyfriend and offered me a chew. I remember gutting it out through the dizziness and ended up asking for another snib before we got home. That stupidity lasted over 40 years and countless dollars down the tube. I was deployed one time and ran out of dip. I gave some kid $60 bucks for a can and everyone made fun of me. Shit, I would have paid a grand and had a smile on my face. I’ve used that shit in my lower lip, upper lip, nose, and even in my eyes when I had to stay awake on radio watch. I really can’t believe I could allow myself to be so enamored with something so insignificant. Hindsight is a dirty rotten bastard.

While I do not approach my quit like an avenging warrior spewing fire and brimstone sermons against the “nic bitch”, I find solace in knowing that rhetoric helps  some folks find their quit. As most of you know, I am not a proponent of the wrath that is sometimes unleashed on those who are late posting, cave, or do something else that triggers such vehement discourse. I simply don’t buy into the idea that that is the only viable approach to helping a person quit. While some are eager followers, others end up being turned away which is more akin to survival of the fittest as opposed to a legion of quitters bound by their desire to quit. Like I said, I do get it. Especially when it’s someone who is reticent in responding to folks who truly care (SRains). I just think there is need for balance sometimes and I don’t mind trying to get my two cents in for the underachiever. It takes all kinds to make a quit. This sentiment leads to one of the most important aspects of KTC; “LEAN ON ME”. That corny ass song isn’t a joke when it comes to these folks. There is someone on here that you can relate to and to quit with. Find, recognize, and have the courage to reach out and be honest. Don’t ever underestimate the level of caring on this site. If you weren’t vulnerable you wouldn’t be here. Live it or leave it.

That being said, I am still here and plan on being here for quite some time. This in no small part can be directly attributed to my sincere desire to stay quit and folks like Jeff1960, 240Bravo, NoMark, Rogerpersson, Elitesrule, Bluewolf, Mongo1, and SRains. I was just on the verge of bouncing out when old 240Bravo and Jeff jumped in with texts and right there I had kindred spirits. Our December crew wouldn’t have survived without Mark on the books keeping us all straight either. Bluewolf and Mongo are also folks I trade days with and have since they started and good folks to have in your quit corner. Old SRains and I have gone a round or two but there’s no denying his dedication to the quitters on this site. This is however a far more personal battle for me. The effects this crap has had on my body is a toll that can never be fully reversed. Prescription meds for life and a stomach that is loath to accept most things I enjoy. My quitting has prompted my 30 year old son to quit which I couldn’t be more grateful for, and as of the 1st of December my 27 year old has quit as well. That they followed me into this crap is my biggest regret. If you are quitting for someone other than yourself you are destined to fail. However, if you have youngens, be mindful of what you are doing as it does come back on you.

I can say that one of the most important things I have garnered from my time here is WUPP. I still can’t understand what would prompt someone to leave posting roll until the end of the day. (Unless they work nights of course.) The whole principal of KTC in my mind revolves around the promise to yourself to stay quit today. It is your pledge and can’t be overstated. There is no better positive trigger to develop than to wake up, piss, and post roll to deter you from even thinking about having a chew. If you don’t gain anything else from KTC, understand that these veterans with 300 to 3000+ days quit, all post early. It isn’t hard, it doesn’t take long, and quite frankly you are doing yourself a disservice by not doing it early. As SRains so eloquently puts it, “What the actual fuck!” You just need to WUPP folks!

The power in this site really can’t be over stated. I’ve tried Wellbutrin and counseling provided by the Army – failed; I’ve tried nicotine patches – failed; I’ve tried Chantix – failed; I’ve tried replacements – epic fail. What this site is to me is accountability and co-dependency. While some folks think the co-dependency is a bad thing, it sure as hell keeps me quit. I will gladly replace a can a day habit for posting roll and bullshitting with other knuckleheads fighting the same battle. If you think you have this shit beat after a week, 75 days, or even 200 days you are horribly mistaken. Just ask Cap, Elitesrule, or Letsgo14. The only quitters I know that have stayed quit are those on this site. It is about saving your damn life so if you’re not serious, this isn’t the place for you.

I would like to also add that your quit does not give you license to be an asshole to anyone. Recognize that cessation from any addiction is going to result in a number of symptoms. Anger, ravenous appetite, insomnia, some odd fog like state, anxiety, forgetfulness, craves, shitting your pants, and many others. Understand that this is no one else’s fault but yours. You started this shit and it’s your responsibility to quit. Don’t condescend to think you have any right to channel your issues to others. That’s why we are here. To be that support in times of desperation where you are not coping. You have to create other ways to find solace as well. Work out, take a walk, deep breathe, yoga, call or text me or one of your brothers or sisters, whatever it takes. Just don’t allow your addiction to create scars in others when you know full well that it isn’t warranted.

Lastly, I am proud to have avoided the most heinous act of a KTC member; the dreaded cave. To those who want to come back after caving I offer this advice. Answer the damn questions. Don’t try and sugar coat or plagiarize your responses. Take the time you need to fully grasp what the questions are trying to espouse for yourself and the rest of us. These answers are as sacred as your promise and they contribute invaluable information to the rest of our family. They are the key to you avoiding another relapse and are not something that should be posted indiscriminately without deep reflection. We all want to know so we don’t suffer the same mistake. These ball-busters want to know so that in turn, you realize the significance of your cave and how to avoid it in the future. Answer the damn questions because your life depends on it.

I am proud to quit with you. It takes all kinds to make a quit,

Nick T – 100 days

I am struggling with whether this should be part of it or not. I truly respect all of you folks that have been quit for so long. You also have no idea how much I appreciate all of your efforts as Conductors, Moderators, Admins and all other support rolls. That level of commitment is inspiring in of itself.  I just find it hard seeing folks just tossed to the wolves in what amounts to being essentially tough love. I also find myself hoping beyond hope that 2 or 3 or even 4 time losers can finally get quit. Back in 1999 or so, I got counseling during my Wellbutrin attempt at quitting in the Army. The Doc said something that has stuck with me all this time. I relapsed yet again after about 2 weeks and he said “You have to just keep trying. Every time you quit, you’re that much closer to staying quit.” That has always given me hope in my 100’s of attempts to quit. I know it’s up to each individual to stay the course with KTC. I just think sometimes maybe a smaller bat could be used to beat them into realizing it. Finding a way to make folks realize this shit works is the most important thing for me to do.

Having buried too many 22’s both while on active duty and since, I am compelled to provide what I hope is helpful. To my knowledge there is no one in KTC that is a Psychologist or Addiction Counselor. Based on a few posts in a community site, we can’t determine the emotional state of those posting for help with their quit. We do not know if what we see as necessary banter is counterproductive or received as support. In its most basic inference, it is being provided by someone who cares deeply about the struggle. However, its delivery may be more than the recipient is prepared to handle. So I think it’s important to give it a day or two to determine what approach may be the most beneficial. Unrelenting asshole bent on degradation, or empathetic supporter. I submit that there are some of you old timers that have a history with a few of the retreads which I understand. But if a newbie or one time loser can’t take the banter then they haven’t failed, we have failed them. Both the aggressive and not so aggressive seam to work exceptionally well as long as the person receiving the message can take it. The blog is about care and inclusion, but this message isn’t necessarily espoused in the rhetoric within the community. In my mind it’s a bit of false advertisement particularly to someone not comfortable with the language or context. Knowing the audience is just as important as what you are sharing. I submit that I am eager to be a verbal pugilist with anyone who is willing. However, the older I get the more willing I am to try and be empathetic to folks. Must be too much time with my grandkids.

Though we don’t yet know what tomorrow may bring
This quit we pledge is no menial thing
We fight an addiction that is an inanimate stain
That knows no feelings but holds us just the same
WUPP, One day at time, and I quit with you today
Simple words of encouragement we hope will make us stay
It’s not a coin, or words of praise we are here to pursue
It is freedom from addiction and a life that is new

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Nick T

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One Comment

  1. Bravo!, oratorical “pugilist” indeed. Well said.

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