2010 HOF Speeches

Son… No One Likes a Quitter

KTC Logo PurpleFirst of all, lemme start by saying that the pressure of writing this speech rivalled the actual quitting…

I played with tons of ideas… funny, serious, poetry, movie script, haiku… ok, maybe not haiku. What the fuck IS haiku anyways? In the end, I just decided to sit and write… and let Pauly be Pauly.

My mom always told me “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” and Dad would always say “Son, no one likes a quitter”. Turns out I never listened to them… I’m sure those of you that “know” me will be surprised by that. So now, you can understand why I never listened to any of you bastards and always filtered my words appropriately. ‘crackup’

I need to start with the standard back ground… I’m 35, married and have three great kids. I chewed for 23 years, but not daily until the last 17 of those. If I wasn’t eating, sleeping or kissing it was there. I’m ashamed to say that depending on the girl, I even chewed while I was fuckin.

That first dip came from Wyatt, the catcher on my little league team who swiped it from his brother. Worst game I ever pitched…lol. I mean, I hit a lot of batters, but they were usually intentional… but 8 in four innings lead to quite the ass whuppin. Yes, Nicotine is bad for you. I reckon you could get you ass kicked for chewin…I was even the douchebag who chewed in front of your kids while coaching little league and soccer. I swear to god, If I ever find Wyatt again, I’ma beat him like a rented mule.

Fast forward several years and being able to buy my OWN chew. Sometime around being 19, I quit spitting the juices and gutted it. I’m terrified of what my insides look like.

Fast forward again… At work, we used to pick up this guy “Stan” quite frequently to take him to hospital for every thing from breathing problems to chest pain to falls. Well, Stan used to be quite the dipper. Stan lost his tongue and half of his lower jaw to cancer. I remember thinking, Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. I gotta quit. I remember Stan, who could not talk, writing on his white board every time I picked him up “Quit now, before you end up like me”. I remember Stan’s wife Joyce giving me shit everytime I’d drop her husband off in the ER. Because we saw them every couple of weeks, we built quite a relationship. That was 10 yrs ago. Was that enough to make me quit? Nope.

A couple years later, We got called to Stan’s house for a cardiac arrest. When we got there, I had to tell Joyce that Stan had been dead for quite a while and there was nothing we could do. All the while as I’m telling her and consoling her, I’m thinking (in my sick fucked up way) that I’d really just like to stick the laryngoscope in his mouth to see what this dude’s airway actually looks like. Was that enough to make me quit? Nope.

The very next day, on my way home from work, I was in a pretty serious car crash. You know what I remember from it? That the guy hit me sooo hard, the dip I had in flew outta my mouth and stuck on the A post. How about now? Is that enough Pauly, you fuckin window licker? Nope. I remember getting out of hospital, and making my wife stop at the store for a fuckin tin.

I tried when I got married. I tried when my kids were born. I tried every fuckin new years for as long as I can remember. My record was January 3rd. (including this year, 12 days before I quit for good).

What did it finally take? My 5 year old coming home from school, gettin off the bus and bawling his eyes out. This boy is not a cryer… after I finally got him settled down, he looks up at me with tears running down his face and says “Daddy, you’re dying. Tyson told me. His uncle used to chew dirt like you and now he’s dead. You’re dying.”

Once that dip was done, that was the last one. (Yeah right Pauly.) That night, I signed up at KTC. And it WAS the last one.

I thought to myself… We’ll give it a go. And through the support and accountability induced by a whole bunch of degenerates thousands of miles away whom I have never met… i quit. How the fuck did that happen? Seriously, anybody else ever stop to think about it? I consider people who I identify by bouncing tits, unicorns, ghillie suits, pro wrestlers, wigglin asses, goats, wizards, sports logos, porn stars, strippers, national coats of arms, movie characters, fuzzy little animals, etcetera friends and allies. That’s right… allies in the battle. and Friends. how fucked up is that? I’m a grown man. I have lots of friends here in the real world (no wise ass comments you phukkers)… but the difference is that THESE titties and strippers and snipers and wrestlers and unicorns GET IT! These folks get it. They’re doing the same fuckin thing as me, and goddam it, I gave them my mother fuckin WORD. My word of honour that I was done dippin.

Simply put… Give your word, every day. Keep your word as all people who have any shred of decency and honour should and do. Then repeat. Pretty fuckin simple when you really think about it. Even a window lickin, helmet wearing, hyena laughing mongoloid like me could figure it out. If you’re readin this and haven’t quit yet… what’s it gonna take? Get your ass in here and get quittin.

If you’re thinking about caving after you posted roll, use the support network from your quit brothers. They’ve got your back.

If you DO cave after posting roll, go fuck yourself. Grab your child and tell him you never wanted him and hate him and then spit in his face. It really amounts to about the same fuckin thing don’t it?

I wanted to thank everyone of my KTC family. This site works. This shit works. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck…. It helped me QUIT.

I need to thank some people specifically. If I do miss someone, either I just forgot or I did it on purpose. You can decide for yourself which group you fall into.

MikeA- Babe of the day and reaching out early and often.
Pinelander- saved my ass a couple times. Thanks.
Never, TR, Stealer, – kept me laughing and chattin and watching my back.
Sigper- texts both ways keeping each other honest
Martin- Oh, you’ll get your van ride….
RKY- for raggin on me for the early poker night, along with others
Goochy, Mordecai, DocSardonic, Greg’s (straight and other…lol)-for the funny shit in chat.
SamCat- Well…for being SamCat.
All the old fukkers on here… Thanks for showin us the way.

And to all of you who listened to my rants about bosses, cavers, NRT, and everything else, thanks. I hope I was able to lighten the mood and give ya a chuckle or fifty.

Thank you KTC and the admins for this fantastic quitting tool.

To a hundred more!

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Phat Pauly

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