As I write this I am 114 days quit and craving a dip, and I am ok. Tomorrow I will crave a dip and not have one, but I will still be ok. I am quit.
I quit tobacco on the final day of duck season 2009. I had chewed a log in three days and something in me decided it was time. I did not quit for my wife, kids, parents or for any particular reason, I was just tired of it. Exhausted would be more like it. It takes a damn genius to figure out how to chew 2 1/2 cans a day and not run out at any time. I had to plan everything around my fix, shopping, work, when to crap, how late to stay up, what pastimes I could do and still dip. Swimming was out. I needed a nap after work because between all the dip and a pot of coffee my body would literally crash. I had heart palpitations , circulation so bad my legs would fall asleep when I would lay down, and a temper so short I was destroying my marriage. When my wife asked me to quit, I told her that I chewed before we met and I would chew after she was gone. The dentist told me I needed a biopsy and I accused my wife of setting it up with the dentist. What an asshole I was, and all so I could keep my habit.I was a slave to a little green can of fucking death. Funny thing is, I called my tin my little green friend.
I changed dentists. 6 months later the new dentist says biopsy so I get it, but get this, Im so addicted I chew on the way to the appointment and on the way out of his office. Didn’t even wait to get to the car. Biopsy is clean so I chew for 3 more years. Not even fear of cancer could break the grip Nic had on me. Fast forward to my kids, twin girls and a boy. At age 4 my daughter tells a total stranger ” my Daddy spits dirt” That hurt, but so what, I need my chew. Later my baby boy (two) asks for a sip of my water bottle, when he pulls it from his mouth I notice he has chew all over his lip. I was drinking out of it with a huge wedge of Skoal in, and got some on the bottle. Great, I just gave my boy his first chew at age two. My wife sees the whole thing, and to her credit doesn’t say a word. What an asshole I am. I hid my habit from my parents, 40 year old man afraid to chew in front of his Mommy, how lame. Because I ninja dipped with them I made excuses to get away from them for 23 years. When I think of how much time I spent avoiding them and what it did to my relationship with them I am crushed. The same goes for my wife, I would rather stay up and dip than go to bed with my bride. I was such a dumb shit, my wife is hot, a college cheerleader, she loves me, and all I wanna do is dip. I laughed when I read the contract to give up, but it was somewhat true for me, I would rather be alone with my can than anything else.
I chewed Skoal Wintergreen for almost 23 years, last few years about 2 1/2 cans per day. I would be excited to wake up just so I could chew. I chewed all day, only took it out to eat. It is a miracle that I don’t have cancer. I actually rationalized that at least I knew what would kill me. What an asshole.
My quit has been strangely easy, with only a few tough moments. I did take some anxiety meds that I feel helped me tremendously, I recommend this to anybody as an aid to quitting. Don’t tell yourself you can’t afford it, its cheaper than dip. I dipped Smokey Mountain and Oregon Mint on and off during my quit, statistically a substitute like this improves your odds of quitting. Most importantly I read everything I could about nicotine and I read almost everything on this site. I sat for hours and hours reading entire threads from the quit groups ahead of me from their day one until the most recent posts. As I became more and more educated about nicotine and what it does to the body my quit became easier. I understand what Im feeling inside and what nicotine has done to my mind and emotions. I also got pissed, mostly at the tobacco companies for making and marketing a product so lethal and addictive and yet seemingly so good. I still remember Skoal commercials on TV, it was safe, it was for athletes. It’s no surprise that I got hooked. Big tobacco is brilliant in the way they hook us. What 15 year old wouldn’t want to be in the Skoal Brotherhood, now that I think of it, THEY ARE THE ASSHOLES. I am still a raging addict, but I have made the decision not to chew or smoke ever again. Once I made that decision, no craving, no force of nature or mind, could move me from my quit. As another quitter said, I have closed the door. My relationships are on the mend as is my body. Each day my quit becomes easier, but it’s like watching water boil in slow motion. I chewed for over 8,300 days, I’m not cured in 100 days and probably not 1000 days. But I am quit and each day I am more ok.
My thanks to all of the members of May09 to their support.
Tab, I felt like I had to post or you would forget what day you were on.
Outernal, You appeal to my OCD side and make me laugh endlessly
NMC- always an encouraging word
triple D- if you didn’t post I forgot what day I was on
Mule- your PM to me in my first week was critical you saved my quit thank you
KID- just knowing you were in Chat kept me quit more than once, thank you
MAY08- Thanks for all your support and for going before us, yours was the first full thread I read.
For anyone reading this and thinking about quitting, I have been where you are, lost in a storm of guilt, fear, anger. KTC is a beacon to guide you home. How many opportunities have you wasted? How many more chances do you think you have? If I can free myself from nicotines chains, so can you.
Skoal Monster – May 19th 2009 (Day 114)