To be said just before taking your first chew after having quit for any appreciable period of time.
With this chew I enslave myself
to a lifetime of addiction.
While I can’t promise to always love you,
I do promise to obey every craving and
support my addiction to you
no matter how expensive you become.I will let no husband or wife,
no family member or friend,
no doctor or any other health professional,
no employer or government policy,
no stench, no sore tongue or gums,
no cancer or heart attack or stroke,
no threat of loss of life or limbs,
come between us.
I will chew you forever
from this day forth,
for better or worse,
whether richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health,
till death do us part!
“You may now take the chew.”
“I now pronounce you a full-fledged Chewer.”
PS: While 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce, the addiction to chewing will last a lifetime – albeit a shorter lifetime. Once a Chewer, annulment of the addiction is impossible. One chew can result in a permanent relapse. Don’t take the chance of relapsing to this marriage of inconvenience.
© Joel Spitzer 1994
The original article has been modified to be more relevant for dippers and chewers.