I posted most of the following post in the May 2017 area, right about the time I crossed the 100 day mark. I have made some changes, added a couple things for clarity, but for the most, it is the same.
I was in the US Army, and this is where I picked up this nasty habit of using tobacco. Most of the time, it was a can every 2-3 days. On deployments overseas, often it was a can a day. I mostly used Skoal Wintergreen pouches, because it was cleaner, and I could hide it easier. When I was by myself it was Grizzly or Cope LC. I would get to the point where I was using a can a day, and my gums were sore, and had some sores, and I would back-off for a couple days. It was this yo-yo thing going on. I would swear that I was going to quit, and this was my last can. It lied to me and I was lying to myself.
I am a firm believer in the power of a team. It is the individual member (me, myself and I) that makes the decision if the project (mission, endeavor, job..) is a go or no go. It is the team that fills in the gaps and weaknesses that solidifies the possibilities of success. A cohesive, well ran team, is an amazing thing to watch in action. It is an amazing feeling to know that someone has my back and I have theirs. You find out very quickly who is all talk, and who is action.
So, I just past my 120 day mark. I most likely could have reached this point by myself, but I had tried 3 other times and never made it past the 20 day mark. So each and every day past today is a personally milestone for me. There are only two things that I can take with me when I die; my memories and my honor and integrity. For me, it was the accountability, my word, honor, integrity at stake. Each day it is easier to go on without the can, but to say that I don’t think about a dip would be a lie. When I am in the car, just after lunch and I don’t have to be back at work for 15 minutes, after dinner and watching TV, 10 hour road trips from Colorado to Utah and back again, all of them were times I dipped. The physical need is gone, but the psychological is very much still alive and well. One Hundred days is just a drop in the bucket compared to how long I dipped. I really have never thought about being an addict, but I guess I am. I still want it, but I don’t need it anymore. I still think about it. When I stop for gas, I do not go in to the station. It is card at the pump, quickly fill up, and on my merry way.
I really did not post that much on KtC besides my morning post. I did check in later in the day to see what you all were talking and thinking about. Some of the posts I chimed in on, but others I did not. I am a believer in less is more. Talk less, listen more; Eat less so there is more for you later. The only exception is ice cream, less is wrong, it needs to always be more. On KtC posting more can mean the possibility of less nicotine. But to post for posting alone, to hear yourself talk, is a waste of time and energy. God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. We should listen twice as much than we talk.
Thank you Coach for checking in on me once in a while. Leo, thank you for making sure I was ok, when I didn’t post the one morning, when I thought I had. Ralphie, thank you for making me laugh when I really didn’t want to, but needed to. RobCat for saying the things that I was thinking, but didn’t feel like sharing. Donkey for keeping me accountable to myself, even though you had no idea that you had.
Finally, thank you to all of you for being part of May 17. It is happenstance that we are all here at this time, but together we are so much stronger than the single individual alone.