100 Days ago I came here to KTC with nicotine causing (not solving) many of the problems in my life. I was so consumed with using, it affected my life, every minute of every day. I was believing the lie that I was in control, and could quit using anytime I wanted, but in reality nothing could be further than the truth. My life would be devoted to me getting my dip above all else, or else. I would drop everything and walk 5 miles if I had to. My use was not optional, I had paid my dues of more than 24 years of being a slave, and I was never going to get out of that contract easily. More than that, my use covered up my feelings, helped me stuff things further and deeper away, hopefully to avoid dealing with them all together. I guess I didn’t like reality much and what I found out is that I am addicted to nicotine, and that I could never have just one more ever again. Day 1, I committed myself to battle an posted on November 2012 roll.
Now this wasn’t easy or fun. Physically I was an addict and paying dearly for my stupidity. I lost my appetite, couldn’t sleep, felt so much like crap that I didn’t think I would ever make it without nicotine. Emotionally I was a wreck, raging one minute, crying the next. I felt like a zombie and couldn’t focus or get a thing done for the first week. Dealing with my feelings I tried so hard to hide by using had caught up to me. Not a good time to be dealing with this, but a great opportunity to see things for what they really were and reflect. Not day by day, but minute by minute I got through those first days and was empowered by my daily pledge not to use. This honored commitment helped me regain some self respect, and encouraged me to become the man I wanted to be. Instead of believing in lies I embraced truth whether it hurt or not. Truth is I never would have made it without my November brothers and sisters who pledged their quit and embraced the suck right along by my side. In my early days I was consumed with my recovery, reading all I could on the site, learning much from those who quit before and were still around to help others down the path of freedom. Thanks to everyone who reached out to me, gave me support, praise, and friendships that pulled me through. Really, thank you! From my wife and family, thank you for helping a husband and children save their father from a path of self destruction and living in denial.
Now I am 100 days free, but I am still an addict. Removing this one troubled area of my life solved one problem, but uncovered many new ones to resolve day by day. The battle is not won, I am just getting started. Day by day my freedom grows and is making me whole again. The craves still hit, but with the tools learned, and by posting roll early every day, I will renew my pledge to stay quit so it cannot sneak up on me. I will also stick around and give back to those who reach out for help. I owe much for this freedom, and would do anything for any user who wants the same for their life. For the ones who cave and fall away I can only hope for the best, but for those who stick around I quit with you today.