No one wants you to fail. I’m happy for anyone who can get quit and stay quit, regardless of how they do it – after all that is the overarching goal of this community. I also appreciate you compromising and posting support below the line.
That being said, there are valid reasons for the “imaginary lines” and seemingly arbitrary rules that get people all worked up.
- There are many methods of quitting that can be successful, but KTC is the one that the people here chose and has proven successful. We’re all here voluntarily, no one forced me to sign up for this and no one will show up at my house if I don’t sign in tomorrow (although Fish has threatened to torch everything I love with a flamethrower if I cave). We have all individually decided that we get enough value out of this place to keep showing up. Even if there are things that we don’t like or rules that we disagree with, they are outweighed by the benefit of showing up. Ultimately, playing by those rules keep access to the greater resource open.
- Structure is important to the quit. Addicts require a rigid structure. When we were actively using, we would sneak, lie and take advantage of any angle possible to support our addiction. An addict brain will take advantage of any wiggle room or inconstancy in a system to justify a cave. Maybe a rule (like +1) seems arbitrary, but the point is that it is still a rule. If that rule were ignored or inconsistently enforced, there would be those of us who would see that and say “well if that rule is BS, then maybe the rest are.” That kind of thinking is a slippery slope and leads directly back to the can.
- These rules are not actually arbitrary. Even if they seem difficult to defend, nothing came about here by accident. The culture here has evolved and developed over many years and is based entirely on the practical success and failures of real-life people. Seemingly big or small, all of the rules here have a practical precedent. Some rules, like posting roll daily, are foundational to the program. If you can’t make the daily promise, you aren’t part of the community here.
- The value of the community is far more important than any individual member. I’m neither a commie or a Vulcan, but in this situation the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. This site has a large and diverse member base. No single structure will be best for every single person, but the existing structure has proven effective for the vast majority. Sometimes people don’t find a fit here, but that doesn’t mean that there is a need to turn the ship around. THIS works for US and if you don’t like it, then let’s talk about something else, because we sure as hell aren’t talking about changing things for you.
- Breaking the rules sets a bad example to people who might really need them to stay quit. There are those who are able to quit without this site, but many of us aren’t. By starting arguments, flouting the rules and acting as a general distraction, one might distract a new (or even a vet) quitter who really needs this place. That’s just not ok. People come here for help. We ask them to buy into the system and follow the rules. If they do, they will be quit. Deviation from that opens the door to failure. Of course there are other ways to quit, and probably better ways for some, but the message to those who show up here needs to be consistent and needs to be unyielding.
I’m not asking you to leave and I’m certainly not rooting against you. I’m not offended by your semi-regular status update and I’d be happy to offer whatever support/ advice that I can, if you need it. I will insist though, that you be mindful when you wear your boots in someone else’s living room.