A Scary Thing To Do, But It Must Be Done

rfweezy avatarThe title carries two meanings.  Quitting tobacco and writing this.  Quitting tobacco is obviously scary, everyone on this forum can attest to that as fact.  Writing a Hall of Fame speech is probably rewarding for some, a milestone for others, something you just do for a lot, but for me it further cements that nicotine is out of my life.  I would look like much more of a fool if I ever caved after writing a Hall of Fame speech.  Think of the post and ghosters that caved compared to a Cap that caved.  Cap hurts way more, not only because of a failed promise, but because we know it can be us.  Writing this will strengthen my quit just like staying involved in other people’s quits.  The risk in looking like a fool is what gives us an extra shield of armor against nicotine.

Some of this will be a repeat of my Intro, but I lost touch with that after the move and pretty much after 50 days.  As some know, I quit for over a year on my own back in 2011 and one dip led to…we all know the story.  Back in late June, I’d had enough.  I knew I needed to quit again and I was feeling the phantom pains that cause anxiety and a fear about my future.  I made it a few days and instantly was in a bad mood.  I had no idea the side effects would be that bad and honestly didn’t attribute it to quitting dip because I don’t remember it being that difficult the first time around.  After a couple days, I started back up, but certainly wasn’t enjoying it.  The paranoia was still there.

Come July 8, I had dip in my home and I just decided I’d go as long as I could that day without dipping and I ended up making it the whole day.  July 9 was my birthday.  I was miserable, but now I knew this was a side effect of quitting and I was determined to make it through another day.  Day by day I kept pushing through, trying to find youtube videos of people going through the same stuff.  I know I stumbled across KTC, but not the forum part of it.  I would spend all evening trying to look up addiction side effect videos to try and get a sense for when the hell I’d get out of this funk.  I really wish I had KTC forums for that first week!  I would have never left the site!

I think day 8 or so I found the forums, but was wary of signing up and posting roll.  That was a big commitment.  I was definitely quitting if I joined and posted every day and that was scary was hell (read the first paragraph).  Mulled over it for a few days and I think posted my first roll on Day 10.  I was immediately welcomed by Kickin Wing, Cap, BBQ, and Kid Riot with digits.  Cap was my anchor guys.  Every day I was like is this guy going to send me a meme every day?  Damn right he was.  Fuck this addiction that brought him down again, what a disappointment.  BBQ helped me out with talking about therapy.  Thanks for letting me know it was ok.

The first month was crippled with anxiety and difficult sleeping.  I think after 30 days is when sleep got much better.  I definitely felt depressed at times, but those feelings came and went.  The anxiousness stuck around.  I got some light meds for that and spoke with a therapist a few times.  I actually only went twice, but it was definitely helpful (albeit very expensive).  I hit the lows again around 50 and 70-80 maybe.  Those funks are real and they tended to last a week or so.  I’m in a much better spot now in my life and don’t really think about dip much at all.  My fear was that by staying active on this site, I’d never completely forget about it, but I get on here and make a promise without even thinking about actual dip.  Amazing what good habits will do for you.

My activity dropped way off when we switched platforms.  I went to posting and ghosting most days and I still do that from time to time, but I’m trying to make an effort to post my support and stay involved with our mindless chatter on GroupMe.  Don’t worry we keep the important stuff on the threads.  When Cap caved, that lit a fire for me.  I wasn’t planning on leaving right away, but I never thought I’d be around forever.  I’d definitely see our month through and then see what happens.  That is no longer my goal.

Thanks to the Rawks for being an awesome group.  Thanks to Cope for being on top of fixing roll and the SSOA, as well as the others involved in that.  Croak, thanks for texting me and reaching out in the middle of our journey.  Morgan, thanks for posting support for me every day.  Glad we can share the same love for a crappy football team!  To the vets, I didn’t understand your ways for a long time.  I now do.  Thanks for keeping everyone honest, on the ball, and for not backing down on the values of this site.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I know what today holds because I made a promise.  That’s all we can do and that’s all we need to do.  Make a promise and don’t break it.  Quite simple really.  Not scary at all.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member rfweezy

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