2009 HOF Speeches

So I Wrote A Speech

KTC Logo Old PhotoI don’t like writing. My wife says I’m good at it, but she says I’m good at a lot of things I don’t like. Like – taking out the garbage, yard work, oral sex. All that shit I don’t wanna do.

Bottom line – never trust my wife.

Now on to the point.. So why the hell am I doing this? Well apparently you’re supposed to. At least I think you are. I’m too lazy to check the site and see if I really should be doing it. Just writing this much has already taken several minutes. And Sports Center is on…

So I guess I’ll start by thanking people. There are lots of people that supported me with emails and posts and I greatly appreciate that. But I’d especially like to thank Mike out in Colorado. We talked a few times on the phone and he called a few more times and left messages checking on me when I missed a few days. I really appreciate it Mike. You actually do give a shit.

See now I’m sounding cynical. That’s no good. This is supposed to be an upbeat or uplifting or something “up” kind of speech.

I’d also like to thank the site itself and the people who manage it and moderate it. THANK YOU. Finding this site was the biggest step to helping me quit. I wish I could tell you in words exactly how much this site means and how much it helped, but I can’t because like I said, I suck at writing. You’d have to dig up Hemingway or Poe or some other big name just to help me out. So in the absence of those dead writers I’ll leave you with a simple Thank You. Please know that it is meant with the most sincerity a man can muster.

I don’t like dishing out advice either. Probably because I’m wrong a lot and what works for me may not work for you, but if you’re thinking about quitting please allow me to say this – just shut the fuck up and do it. Don’t analyze it, don’t think about it, don’t get all touchy-feely, just do it. Realize that it’s gonna suck. But it’s not gonna suck as much as cancer. Or having some Doogie Howser looking doctor tell you they’re going to cut your tongue out.

So man up, suck it up, and do it.

And in about 100 days you’ll have to write one of these damned speeches.

And remember this – if I can do this (quit) then anyone can. YOU CERTAINLY CAN. I’m a complete wuss when I don’t get my way or have to do something I don’t like. A big, hairy, whiny, bearded baby. With glasses. And a giant bald head that weighs like 75 pounds just by itself. And yet I still managed to quit after 25 years of shoving Redman in my cheeks.

You can do this. I mean it. I’ve got no reason to blow smoke up your ass. Unless you really like that sort of thing. In which case just email me for my rates. Mention this site and get 25% off!

Now good luck with your quit. And I mean that sincerely.


NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Brad64

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