It’s Not Just a Quit, It’s a Promise

sayrahanne avatarWhen I was a baby, a woman was holding me and a cigarette. She almost dropped her cigarette, but instead dropped me. When I was 4, I walked into a lit cigarette and burned my eye. It just so happens to be my lazy eye. In school, I was constantly accused of smoking because I smelled like cigarettes since my mom smokes 2 packs a day. Obviously, I was never a big fan of cigarettes. When I got older, I started drinking and once in a blue moon I’d ask for a cigarette with my alcohol. When I was 17, I screwed up big time and never needed a cigarette again.

I was at a huge concert and was drunk as all get out. I wanted a cigarette but couldn’t smoke inside so instead I bummed a dip off of someone. Not my wisest decision. From that day forward, I dipped. At first it was because the high. I used to do a good bit of drugs in high school. Being sober of drugs, this was a safer alternative to get some kind of high.

I could quit anytime. I told everyone that. We ALL did. I had a pocket full of excuses. I decided I didn’t want to be in a relationship. What better guy deterrent than having a bottle you carry with you to spit brown shit?! If I found a guy who accepted the worst part of me, I’d quit. When I threw up from it, I’d quit. When it got too expensive, I’d quit. Who was I fooling? It sure as hell wasn’t my friends and family. 

I made many futile attempts at quitting. That can of skoal was my crutch for the hard times. I could be quit for a few days, and doing well but let something bad happen. I got through many funerals, I got through being robbed at gun point, and many other things but used them as excuses to start back dipping. Let’s be real, I pretended that skoal was the only thing that could get me through the hard times. I have plenty of friends that helped me right on through rough times, but I had my precious little crutch… A crutch that didn’t want to do shit but hurt me. Well, on day 13 of my quit I got broken up with. I got through it without dip. I had a lot of shit happen, but stayed quit. I know it was because of my KTC family.

Before May, I kept telling myself I HAD to quit and soon. I wasn’t going to rush. I would pick the time right for me. I got plenty of “Yeah right’s” and “Believe it when I see it’s.” Then one day, I was in the car with someone I consider my little sister who was bragging about the tanning bed. I’m terrified of skin cancer. I went off in a tangent about how bad it was. Skin cancer is serious. Then I stopped. I looked at her and realized I was a hypocrite. How could I tell her not to do something she enjoys just because it causes cancer, yet do the exact same thing?

I decided the next day I would quit. So the very day I began dipping, I quit dipping. May 19th. For four years I let the nic bitch run me over. Once an addict always an addict… but I’m proud to say I’m quit FOR GOOD thanks to my quit brothers and sisters. There are so many of you I want to thank, would love to hug, and would even make a sandwich for!

KilltheKodiak, you always post my roll when I text you. You even let me bug the shit out of you about silly shit. You give advice like a real brother, and keep me in check. Thanks for everything. Truly. Goonies never say die.

Amgdenney, goodness I love the hell out of you. Thanks for being there and checking on me if I showed even the slightest sign of being in a sad mood!

Cornwallace! You always stand up for me in chat if anyone makes derogatory comments towards me. I don’t know why you chose to start supporting me, but thank you. 

RomanDog, you always checked on me through emails and made sure I was ok. You supported me on roll without asking. Thank you. 

BnlElliot, you were the FIRST to reach out to me. You sent me some very helpful information and advice. Thank you for extending a helping hand to the “new kid.”

Jburrus4, I’m grateful for all your helpful advice on some of the difficult crap I’ve went through during the first 100 days of my quit. Thank you. 

AUG 2011 HOF CLASS, we kick ass! We did this shit together! We may be a bunch of Quitheads, but the Nic bitch can kiss our quit asses. I’m glad to have such a nice group of men to be quit with. 

There were others who reached out, and I’m grateful. I never thought that a shit ton of people I never even met could mean so much to me. God has a funny way of doing things, and if I had to dip and then quit to get the bonds I have made with some of you, then so be it. 

My promise to stay quit with my sisters and brothers is stronger than my addiction. 100 days is a hell of an accomplishment, but it’s just the beginning. The last dip to ever hit my mouth was one hundred days ago, and not a damn one will EVER hit my mouth again. 

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member sayrahanne

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