Just 2 days before I hit 100 days I had a member ask me something that I would never have thought would be such a tough question
What are you most proud of with your quit?
Now on the surface you would think this is probably an easy question to answer. As I started listing them to him the answers just wouldn’t stop flowing, the normal things pop through first, like; being able to kiss my wife without her grossing out, playing with the kids and not worry about having a spitter around, going to scouts and either finding a place to spit or craving the entire time, how about just being able to live your life without carrying a can of crap around with you?
Learning to live your life again without the lie is a huge accomplishment all on its own. Now, I was never a ninja dipper and everyone knew what I was doing. But no matter what there is always a lie when you put an addict with his/her addiction. My biggest lie was that it was OK to dip whenever and wherever I was. I felt I was special and there was no way I was influencing the kids I was working with or who cares what that adult thinks. I always thought to myself the chances of cancer are pretty low, so who am I hurting anyways? If I was working with Scouts I would try to hide if I needed to spit but most of the time I would gut it. Occasionally a Scout would approach me and ask what was wrong with my lip or sometimes I would have some on my face and they would ask about it. Of course I would tell them “nothing” or “don’t worry about it, it’s no big deal.” Stupid addict mind….
One of my main reasons for never quitting was the fact that “nobody” knew what I was going through. All the programs out there are for smokers. I am not a smoker and never have been, and that won’t work. I found KTC one night after a camping trip where a parent approached me and explained that he really didn’t appreciate that I was dipping in front of his son. I am not sure why that talk was any different than the 3-4 other talks I have had with parents over the years but somehow it was. Driving home that afternoon the first thoughts were about how to continue dipping, just without anyone knowing about it. I would cut back, go into hiding, maybe pick up some pouches before camping trips, etc. This was the first time I realized I was an addict. Just the fact that I was going to start hiding what I was doing was enough to wake me up to the fact that he stupid can was in charge of my life, not me. I decided to do a little searching and of course found this site. WOW, there are people out there that understand what I am going through! There are people out there that have done this! Now the hard part, how do I do this? Am I strong enough to do this? Do I want to do this for myself? No matter what, can I keep my word to these strangers for today? These answers require you dig deep and understand yourself. I did not know the answers to all of these questions truthfully when I started. I did not post roll for the first 10 days of my quit because I could not trust myself. I trolled the site and I read everyday for several hours every night. I am not proud of that fact but it is here for everyone to know. I now know that my word is still true and I can keep it for today.
What I eventually settled on as one of my proudest parts of my quit is being a member of something that is bigger than myself. I have not met anyone of these people in person but that does not change the fact that we are brothers in quit! I have been inspired by people on this site that I have had no other contact with other than reading their posts. The vets that are here everyday are amazing and would do just about anything to keep you quit. I can not possibly mention all of their names and would be afraid to try in case I left anyone out. Pretty much if you have posts on this site, you have helped my quit. I will call out a special few- ktb1764 thank you for sending me my first pm, cmark- you supported me in roll call on my second day posting roll, sportsfan- holy shit you are the jackiest wagon of all! Diesel2112, Wastepanel, Evil One, Boelker……. and everyone else. Thank you to the other 14000 members, you have made a difference for me.
If you need anything I am just a pm away.
NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member jbradley