2020 HOF Speeches

Smoyer12 – HOF Speech

ClarityI was maybe 18 or 19 years old when I first started “chewing”. Redman to Levi Garrett to Lancaster. I thought I was cool, you know, playing baseball with a big ole haw in your mouth. But something wasn’t right with my choice of poison, it was…. To messy. Talk about a big mother fucking mouth of spit… Shit. I needed my poison package to be smaller more convenient and cooler looking. Enter Copenhagen snuff- that cool silver tin top that almost made ping when you packed it.

I was 20 years old, playing baseball and had a dip with me wherever I went. We would go to class and everyone had a cup with a paper towel in it. My apartment had a spitter made out of a 2ltr bottle of soda that was cut ¼ way down and inserted upside down within it self that made a funnel for the juice. We didn’t care how bad it was for us, it was cool. I could never imagine not having my Copenhagen with me.

The year was 1999. I had been married for 4 years and my first son was about to be born- 4 years of marriage and 6 years of nicotine. I told myself that once my kid was born, I was done dipping that lasted about as long as a fleeting thought.  I continued to dip, and life went on. One morning as I was playing with my son (probably about 3 years old at this point) I saw him with my dip can and he was trying to pack it like I do. This was a huge red flag and made me feel absolutely horrible. How could one of the first things that my son associated with me was the packing of a dip can. Fuck this, I QUIT!!!
Well, that lasted a little over a year. You see, I was traveling to Florida to be in my high school buddies wedding. No wife, no kids, just my buddies that all dipped- you guessed it. I was back on the wagon in full force. The dip was hidden for a few weeks, but I eventually even caved into hiding my addiction. The crazy thing is that I never even really cared that I went back. I didn’t care that my son would see me dipping again, I didn’t care that I was starting to raise a family, I didn’t care about any of that, all I cared about was putting that shit in my mouth to satisfy my urges.

The year was 2003 My wife was pregnant again and this time it was with twins! Oh Shit- I have another opportunity to do the right thing by me and my family and get off this addiction train! I have another 2 mouths to feed and dip was starting to get expensive, Massachusetts is not a very good place to live if you have a dependency, they don’t call it “Taxachusetts” for nothing. I remember I told myself “I will never buy dip if it goes to $3 a can” That was a fools errand. The twins came and the addiction train kept a rolling. Copey did go to $3 a can- than $4 then $5 a can. Nothing would stop me. I have fallen into a life groove and Copenhagen was in the center. I would  first rather drive around town to find the best Copenhagen date than to go to the park and play with the kids. This has got to stop!!

Fast forward to 2014, talk about life change! I got a new job and I was moving to Virginia. One of the first things I looked at was the price of Copenhagen. Massachusetts was getting freaking crazy $12 a can!!! You heard it right! TWELVE dollars a can. I had the plan though. I was one of the lucky ones- I lived on the RI border $4.89 a can. My life revolved around taking rides to RI to get Copenhagen. I wasn’t that stupid to spend $12 a can. Well, there were some nights I ran out and bit the bullet. Back to the Virginia thing. I could get 2 cans for $9.00 I was in heaven!! The crazy thing is, up until I quit- I would always buy 2 cans at a time because I justified the cost compared to Massachusetts. There was something that was starting to bother me though. My kids were getting older and I was one of the only people I knew dipping. I would dream about getting cancer, my mouth was sore and my gums were receding. I hated that my life was being dictated by this round fucking can that would leave circle marks on my favorite jeans, something needed to change but I wasn’t sure I could do it.

The day was August 12th 2019. It was a beautiful sunny day and it was the first day of the rest of my life. I decided it was time to quit. My wife thought it would be a good idea if I just cut back slowly. I knew that could not be the way to go. I needed to quit cold turkey. My plan was that I was going to finish the 2nd of the 2 cans that I always bought and be done. Well I never even got to that 2nd can. As a matter of fact, I had that full can in my backpack for a full week with me, teasing me, almost like self-inflicted torture. I needed that can to be there because I knew that I needed to beat this motherfucker on my terms. I need to rewire my brain to continue to stare at him and sat Fuck you! KTC came in 8 days later and that was also a lifesaver. I had read the forums but never got involved until the fog started to hit. I am not your typical member. I do not post much, I do not reach out much, hell the only time I think about dipping is when I am posting roll. What you all did for me was be there when I absolutely needed it and for that I am so thankful!

It is 2020- the year of “Clarity”. I am a 47-year-old with an addiction, but I am also 148 days addiction free. Lean on your brothers, lean on your friends and most importantly do it for yourself.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Smoyer12

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