Day 114. For over 25 years I WAS bound tied and gagged by the poison.
I say BOUND because I could go no where without it. I would constantly reassure myself that I had plenty for what ever the occasion. One of my worse fears was that I would run out and not be able to obtain more in a timely manner. Heaven forbid I was out of the poison for to long. I would ask this question once in a while which really hits home. “If I was broke down on the middle of the interstate with my family would I have enough poison for the ordeal?” HOW SAD IS THAT?
I say TIED because the knots that were used by the poison were almost infallible. Every time I would try and break free it was useless. I would get the knots a little looser sometimes but it wouldn’t take long for the poison to readjust and tighten the knots again.
I say GAGGED because I would only say what the poison wanted me to say. I don’t want to quit, I enjoy it to much. I use it to help me stay awake. I don’t know what I would do without it. It helps me with anxiety. It’s not as bad as smoking and it don’t affect other people ( referring to second hand smoke). I could go on and on with these statements but the truth is, I didn’t say anything the poison didn’t approve of. The poison used me to addict others. This is a fact, Sad, but true!
I decided one day to give it one more ATTEMPT. I knew I had little HOPE of succeeding. Started with cutting back. Two dips a day, and maybe I would have it beat. I was looking forward to my two allotted times I could use with great anticipation. The poison was winning once again.
As I was about to give up I discovered KTC. As I began to read I began to see that words like HOPE and ATTEMPT were causing my failure. As I read and read I discovered that people were succeeding. I was failing because I did not have the tools necessary to break loose. As I read the KNOTS loosened enough that I could move. When I threw the last can I had away and posted roll the chains fell off. I was bound no more. As I started to spread my accountability the chains moved further and further away. As I stayed close to KTC I learned to have my own voice. To speak from my heart where the can had no place. The can speaks for me no more. If you ask me anything about the can you will not hear one good word about it. I despise the poison now. It helped me with absolutely nothing. I speak the truth now,, not the lies that the poison speaks for me. I am gagged no more.
When I broke free it was one of the greatest moments in my life. Being a slave to a weed was not the Lords intention for us. If I could go my whole life without seeing another can it wouldn’t be long enough. When I broke free the healing began. I am still healing RIGHT NOW. I don’t know how long the healing will take, but it’s worth it. As the wounds heal there will be plenty of scars to remind me of where I came from. I pray the Lord never lets me forget where I came from. I never want to be BOUND TIED and GAGGED again.