Another Closed Door

Closed DoorI’ve been off all forms of nicotine, after over 16 years of can-a-day chewing for 705 days. After several, who am I kidding, after dozens, maybe even hundreds of attempts at quitting (and I’ll be honest, I would always buy 1 or 2 cans instead of a log because that trip to the gas station to buy some chew, was always going to be my last) I finally made up my mind to quit. I was in danger of losing my wife. All of my relationships were suffering. I didn’t like chewing in front of my family, so I’d stay up real late and chew. Maybe make some music or play some on line chess, or play a video game, but my main goal, the thing I wanted most was to suck on some tobacco and spit the juice in a can, get that rush, then wash it down with some Mountain Dew. I’d stay up until 4:00 AM, get up at 8:00AM, get in the car, jam a chew in my lip, drive to work, drink at least 3 20 oz Mountain Dews through out the day, and chew all day long. I’d go through at least one can, every single day. Rinse, Repeat. YIKES!

It was Jan. 23rd, and despite printing off a bunch of pictures of people with huge holes in their faces and mouths and lips, and posting those pictures all over my office, they had little if no effect on me. I’d turn my head and jam my lip with skoal and pretend that disgusting picture didn’t exist. My desire to chew was stronger than my desire to quit. Well, that day, Jan. 23rd after finding this website, I decided to quit. For good. Right then and there.

I had done this before mind you. Several times. I’d be driving down the road, my mouth all torn up, gross looking bottle of chew spit in my car with little flakes of tobacco all over the console, I’d throw the can out the window out of sheer disgust and be done. Until that damn can called me back. Or I’d flush every can in the house down the toilet. Then several hours later, in a panic try to scrape every little morsel I could from all the cans I dumped, like some kind of crack whore. I mean, who hasn’t dug through their garbage looking for the last can of chew that was either thrown away by accident or on purpose? It bares repeating- YIKES!

This time it was different. I found this website, I found other people just like me, who were trying to quit- finally. Trying to quit and make it stick. I’m not sure exactly why that resonated so strongly with me, but it did. That morning, I made a commitment to quit and not just to myself, but all of you to my family, to my God, and it worked. That morning, Jan 23rd, I closed the door on my addiction and sealed it off, brick by brick by brick, for good. Literally, in my mind, I see my old self, this faceless addiction behind a wall of bricks that have encircled him. It towers above several miles, and he can’t jump. Another day, another row of bricks.

The first couple days were the absolute worst. In fact, that night, my wife was working and I was home alone. I wanted to make a drink, to take the edge off. As I reached up for a glass, I remembered hiding a can of skoal above the cabinet where we keep the glasses. I reached up, felt around, and sure enough, there it was. A can of chew way more than half full. I grabbed it, went straight to the toilet, opened the can to dump it, and stopped. There it was, the moment of truth, the proverbial fork in the road. I paused, closed the lid, opened it, brought it up to my nose, and smelled the sweet aroma. Then I came to my senses and started to dump it, again I paused. What was I doing?! This was my lover of over 16 years! Was I crazy? Did I really want to say good-bye? I am not lying when I say I stood there, in the bathroom, with the lid off my can, the toilet seat open, arm outstretched, tears starting to well in the corner of my eyes wrestling with this decision. Not to over dramatize the whole thing, but it’s true. This was the most difficult thing I had ever done. And after God only knows how long, several minutes, a half an hour, I gave her the *UCK YOU!! -and dumped the can. Words cannot describe how satisfying it felt! Thats’ when I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had done it. Closed the door for good.

The next day, I joined a gym, made some changes to my daily routine, nothing major, but it worked.

Deciding to quit is easy. Actually quiting is the hard part, but if you are determined, and have truly decided to change your life, you can do it and this website will help you, tremendously. I want you all to know that it does get easier. Every single day. So, please, take the step, take the leap of faith, close the door on your addiction and take back your life.

Fishforsale

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member Fishforsale

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