(Current day count is 160. I had previously written some of this.).
Day 138 and I’m writing my HOF speech. I haven’t really had the inspiration to write it until today. Because today, day 138…was a bitch. I had a rough day today and I reached out to people in my support system here at KTC and guess what? I’m still quit. When I felt like I was weak and ready to go buy a can, I got the reassurance and support I needed to know that I wasn’t alone and that I could stay quit. This is what keeps me here and why I’ll be posting EDD. My quit story started with a sore on my lip and a Google search to quit nicotine. I came in to chat on a midnight one night and the boys couldn’t handle me… so they summoned chickdip in to help me. She’s been my soul sister ever since. It’s so crazy how you can have such a close friendship with someone you met online. But she is awesome. She called me today, listened to me cry, talked shit out with me, and is a huge reason I’m writing this today. So, I quit for 4 days. And then… I caved. I remember thinking how hard it was and how I just knew I couldn’t do it. I came in chat and told NOLAQ that “all of you are way stronger than I am, and I can’t do it”. They all told me I could… but I wasn’t listening. I was planning a cave, and I caved because I wanted to. But what’s more important are the few weeks in between my cave and my quit. Every day, every dip, I felt an extreme amount of guilt. I would get on KTC often and read around just trying to get ‘inspiration’ to quit again. And every time I would get on, I would have a message in my inbox. Here are a few of those messages:
ZAM: “Caved? That’s what the spreadsheet says. Well, at least you didn’t promise us anything, I guess…sorta didn’t anyway. Wow. Caved. Back in the service of your nicotine master. Unable to drive by a c-store. Glad when your loved one’s recital/wedding/graduation/etc is over so you can get back to doing what you “love”….If you want freedom, you better let loose of some pride, slink back here and tell you full story. And then COMMIT!!! What are you afraid of?”
NOLAQ: “Read all you want, but the story never really changes. Scared, feeling alone, anxious. You know you have to do this. You’re just petrified with fear. You gave it a half-assed attempt before, and you don’t think you have it in you. Well, that’s bullshit. We are not anything special. We’re all scared, and anxious and felt alone. Until we got here. There is no other place in the world like this. None. You will never meet as many people who understand EXACTLY what you are going through than right here. Stop reading other stories, and start writing yours.”
CHICKDIP: “wow, i hear you loud and clear. You have to have your mind strong and right to quit! get some fake stuff ahead of time to be ready for it when you jump in. when you really want to quit, quit for good. It doesn’t calm you….. it is poisoning you girl.. you know that”
I put these messages on my HOF speech because this is what this site is built on. None of these people knew what kind of person I was. Hell, I had already proven that I was a failure. But, they still continued to be on my ass and they cared if I came back. Every day after my cave, I would think about quitting and then continue to put a dip in. I would wake up and say “no snuff today” and make it until about 1pm. The kids were screaming, I needed to clean, I had to drive somewhere, so on and so forth. Triggers. So I would put a dip in and say to myself that I would try again tomorrow. Until May 31st, 2015, the first day of the rest of my life. I woke up, didn’t have any more snuff, and was getting ready to drive to the c-store to get some. Instead, I didn’t. I cried, I looked at the sore on my lip once again, and I got on KTC. I posted day 1 (again), answered my 3 questions, took the backlash with humility, and continued to post EDD. I had made connections with a few people immediately and those connection held me close to KTC. Along the way, I’ve made more connections and gained more accountability. I can honestly say that I would not be quit without this site and the people who helped me. I’m proud of them and I’m proud of my 100% posting.
I’ve spent so much time on KTC and chatting with people because my support system was not the greatest. My husband still dipped. My mom was suppose to quit with me and didn’t, even though she has had multiple heart attacks. She still chain smokes. The hardest part of my quit has been watching people I love continue to kill themselves after I have gained the clarity of knowing how important it is to quit. I can’t make someone else quit. But, I still quit for me. I just decided that I didn’t care that my husband had snuff in the house or that he wouldn’t quit with me. I packed his damn lunch box every night and saw 2 cans in there… every night. I didn’t care. I was quit for myself… and I got used to that. But then he surprised me… and he quit too! I’d like to think that I was the positive influence that got him to quit. I gave him my fake snuff, told him to try it out one night, and a few days later he asked me to buy him a can of fake. And, just like that he is quit (he won’t join KTC, so I don’t know his exact day count now, but it’s around 2 months). We are improving our lives together and making our family stronger… ODAAT. I’m extremely proud of him and of myself.
I wanted to do a shout out to my September Samurai group, my second family, the sexiest bunch of quitters I know. They have had my back, been there for me when I’m MadAsh, BadAsh, SadAsh, and HappyAsh ( I have multiple personalities). We talk everyday and we are truly a strong group that care about one another. I couldn’t be any happier or prouder to be linked with them! Shout out to the live chat crew and the late night vamps. Poor Vader has had to endure many 2am-up-all-nights of my endless rambling. Live chat got me through some tough moments in the beginning and continues to be a place I turn to and help newbie’s, vent about life, talk about my quit, and just bullshit. My girl, CD of course, my role model/guard/inspiration… thank you. There are many many more quitters here that have helped me, taught me, guided me, and argued with me that, in turn, have made my quit as strong as it is today… so thank you all. As always XOXOXOXOXO
I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me…..