Bmalo HOF Speech

bmalo avatarI contemplated writing a speech or not because I felt that a speech “ended” things. I decided that it was important to me to write down my journey and how KTC has helped and what was different this time than the half dozen other quits. Like NJohns, I was a ninja dipper. Excuse after excuse to run to the store to buy dip, conceal it around my family, being a slave to the can. I would go out of my way to make sure I had a can before I was even out of the other one just so I didn’t go without.

I “quit” several years ago. In fact, I quit a few times but my wife thought I quit several years ago. I started back up on the train and found it difficult to get off until I found the KTC. In previous attempts, I would say to myself, “this is my last can” and then I would panic when I was out and would run to the store for more. I was tired of running around sneaking dips, felt extremely guilty when watching shows about drug addicts because I felt the same shame that they did when they would get a fix, except mine was nicotine, I have a young son who I want to be around and had a few health scares including having to have a biopsy done on my gums. Think that was enough to get me to quit? Nope. I continued to dip after a clean bill of health from the oral surgeon for 5 more months. I finally decided that it was time. I needed to quit for good but wasn’t very confident in myself.

I found KTC while scouring the internet regarding quitting. I found it immediately and thought, “hmm, this seems like an awesome support group.” I knew I needed a support group because I didn’t have support at home. These past 100 days have been tough when I want to celebrate because I can’t outside of KTC. No one knew I dipped for the past several years. I joined the group with the hope of having the support of others going through the same shit as I did would hold me accountable would help me be successful in my quit. KTC did not fail. When I first signed up, I, like many other noobs, had hard eye rolls when vets would bust balls. Some even left the group due to it. I still remember (and miss) Cruzebruiser. He ultimately decided to quit Barney style, whatever the hell that means, and forge his own path. I hope he’s doing well. Moddy originally got on my nerves regarding posting roll but eventually you come to like him for what he is—a fellow brother in quit holding people accountable.

Accountability is one thing that I believe many in their pursuit of quit lack. Without the accountability in the first 100 days I can say with confidence that I would’ve caved. I appreciate every one of you who have stuck by posting roll EDD. I know many posted about thoughts of caving but the sole reason not to was that they didn’t want to be talked about how many other cavers were on the board. It was pretty harsh. I wouldn’t blame cavers for not coming back to read what other said about them after they admitted their cave lol.

As I sit at day 100 I am proud to have lasted this long. I am proud that others before me had lasted that long and am excited for those who are coming up on the 100 days lasting that long too. I still have cravings and I don’t think that will change. One thing that the 100 days has taught me is to break free from the chain of dependency of nicotine. We get so used to having it in our routine (can’t drive without it, can’t work without it, can’t golf without it, can’t drink without it, etc.) that it’s hard for us to imagine daily life without it. I now have a life without nicotine and although I cannot say that I will never dip ever again in my entire life, I KNOW for a fact that I don’t NEED nicotine to live my life as I have done it just fine the past 100 days.

I plan to stick around for the others who are approaching 100. I hope to be a daily contributor to roll EDD after all of MAY reaches the HOF station. There are many unknowns for our future but congrats to those who hit 100 and those that are close. I am hopeful and confident that MAY is ready to begin the rest of our lives free from the dependency of nicotine. I am proud to be quit with every one of you!

Brent
5/5/16

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member bmalo

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