It’s day one again, just like it is for every other addict on the planet.
I’m not sure why I’m an addict. Was I born this way? My shrink says my childhood sucked and I’ve been self-medicating for the past 28 years to cope. Not sure, don’t really fucking care about the why, I care about the quit. I care about setting the right example for my kids. I care about being able to be completely honest with everyone around me. I care about not being a hypocrite and lying to my wife every single day since I’ve known her. I care about having the guts to stand on my own two feet and experience life, the joys, the sorrows, without masking every single aspect of it with nicotine….to feel some God Damn Feelings.
I went super ninja. NOBODY KNEW I dipped Skoal Longcut Wintergreen practically all day, every day for 28 years. That’s what my addiction worked itself into. I could put in a chew 10 feet away from anyone without being noticed. Lose the old chew in the drive through with 4 people in the car without being noticed. I could go to church, listen to a sermon about being honest with my arm around my wife and take fucking communion with a chew in. Fucking hypocrite.
I got caught a total of three times by my wife over a 10 year spread. Each time I would tell her “I’ll quit for you”. That shit never worked. I caved each time around day 10. For the past three years I wanted to quit for me but wasn’t strong enough to do it. I knew I was an addict, I knew it was going to kill me; I knew I was nicotine’s bitch and just couldn’t stop. How could I reach out for help from all the people I had been lying to all this time? How could I with my high standards and morale code admit I was an addict??
My final time getting caught was a Sunday morning, July 26th 2015. My can fell out of my pocket and on to the couch the night before. I had a buzz on and a fatty in watching TV, Hell on Wheels to be exact. I woke up that Sunday morning when my wife put my half empty can on my chest while I was in bed. She didn’t even say anything this time. She just put the can on my chest. She had been crying I could tell. I knew what she would’ve said though; I knew what she was feeling…rage, hurt from being lied to, disappointment, lack of trust. It might as well have been heroin at that point. Once you betray trust, you betray trust, the catalyst doesn’t matter. My second marriage was in serious jeopardy.
My father is a board certified Maxillofacial Surgeon for fuck’s sake. He’s the guy who cuts half of someone’s face off after cancer sets it. I knew all the reasons to not chew, I knew I was lying, I knew how much I hated myself for it every time I saw my reflection. Still couldn’t do it on my own.
Hello KTC live chat.
Some lady called ‘Chickdip’ who I didn’t know saved my fucking marriage, self-esteem and more than likely…my life. She walked me through posting roll on day 2. I was in a fog and couldn’t figure it out. That’s it, that’s all she had to do. Now I had backup; now I had people who understand ; now I know people who are struggling….JUST..LIKE..ME. If they can do it, I can do it. It was fucking game on from there. Wake up, post roll, get seeds and fucking gut through the suck for 70 days or so.
Quitting was the hardest thing I’ve ever fucking done. Harder than school, harder than anything I did in the military…..harder than my fucking first (and only) divorce. This is a life long struggle for me. The war will never end. I wake up, post roll and fight. She’s waiting there, just beyond all non-addict’s site, lurking in the shadows, waiting for me to falter. I can’t beat her on my own. This is why I’ll always be a part of KTC. I’ll always post roll until either the zombies come or Jesus does. Either way, I’ll go out being quit.
Thank you KTC, thank you Chickdip.
Hey F.N.G. You can do it too. Take your life back. Flush that chew and get some help. Stay plugged in, get some digits for when it REALLY gets hard…because it fucking will. Post roll, be accountable to your group.
You can prevail if you’re willing to put in the work.