It was easy for me to write a hof speech. There was so much I was certain of. I was certain of the hell I’d gone through to get me there. I was certain I’d never forget that hell. I was certain I was quit and certain I’d never dip again. I was certain I didn’t want to go back through that hell. I was certain how my comma would be as I continued in my quit.
When I hit 1000 days I didn’t have such certainty, in anything. I am distanced and separated from the hell I’d gone through. Reminded of it occasionally by new quitters. But even then I see at as worthless addict drama. I know I was wrapped up in it in my early quit. I no longer find any value in it, my own or anyone elses. That being the biggest part of my hell.
I’m not certain anymore on where I am or will be as a quitter. I know that is a red flag for some but rest assured I am quit; I made that daily promise. But surely I thought by now dip would not cross my mind. And there are folks I quit with who have told me how wonderful it is on a bad day not to think about dip. Hell I still think about it on a good day; my gum and lip still have a burn for a rub of dip. My mouth salivates at the smell/ thought.
But I’m staying quit for today. Why? Because I’m certain the good that has come to me since day one has outweighed the bad. Because I’ve some people whom I don’t want to let down. They made a promise to me. Because I’m certain now that life is filled with uncertainty and it’s best to face it head on, then to run away from it to or hide from it behind a lip full of cat turds.
Am I comfortable in my quit? I don’t know. I don’t think so but I’m becoming comfortable with the uncertainty of life.
I am 1176 days quit. I woke up to a dip dream this morning. In the dream I was in the a doctor’s office panic stricken that the doctor will know I was sneaking dip. My mouth had that taste, my teeth felt gritty. I woke up, it took me a few minutes to regain my composure and realize it was only a dream.
I am certain I never want to live a lie again and so that dip dream was inspiration to write my Comma Club Speech.
There are too many people to thank walking with me to this point. You’ve been a greater help and inspiration to me than I believe I could ever be to you.