It was a cloudy day, and I knew that something was not right. When I found out the time had come, and that she had died; I truly was scared. Our relationship had grown so strong, and we were inseparable.
I went to the funeral, and was dressed in all black appropriately. It was a Thursday, same day that she died, the service was held.
When I had told people that she was dead no one believed me. I told my lady, co-workers, and friends but they all thought that it was a misunderstanding. No one believed that she was actually dead. It was thought that she was still alive and well…
I was the only one to show up to the funeral. The preacher didn’t even show up. The undertaker and I were the only one present. No flowers were sent, and no music was played. Out of respect, I actually gave the eulogy. I stated that we had a close relationship, and I actually did hold back tears.
FLASHBACK : My relationship with her (the Nicotine Bitch) started so innocently. Nicotine abuse has plagued my family on my dad’s side for generations. My grandma and grandpa were both smokers. Grandpa is dead, and grandma is alive but on oxygen and still smoking. They had three boys (one being my father), and all became smokers. I became the only grandchild keeping the relationship going with the Nicotine Bitch. I started smoking at 16, and I began smoking daily at 17. My courtship with nicotine began like a teenage love story. Flirting that was so fun, and only to be temporary. She only made being a rebel more cool, and made me feel ‘good’. I began dipping at 21, and quit at 25 on 9-11-2012. My young relationship with Lady Nicotine began changing. She started coming with me to new places, and met many new people. She would tell me if I couldn’t take her to where I was going, then I should either not go or limit my time there. Certain activities and people were on the limited time list, because Lady Nicotine demanded my attention. She began getting jealous of even the time I would spend with my girlfriend. That would cause me to hide the severity of Lady Nic’s control on my life to my girlfriend. My relationship with the Nic Bitch could have been compared to the “Abusive ‘Movie’ Husband”; jealous of my wearabouts, and wanting my FULL attention while causing physical harm.
END OF FLASHBACK
I drove the hearse to the grave yard; the whole time being in a dense fog wondering if I could truly live without her. I was scared about having the courage to bury her, and if I could really say goodbye. When the undertaker and I unloaded the casket, and lowered it into the ground; something inside of me changed. I received hope; hope that was from inside of me or from above. I could not make the distinction, but it was real. I could actually picture life without her. I was initially fearful, but that fear led me to conviction. Conviction that gave me courage, and that courage led me to confidence. She dies everyday. My day 1 in my quit was the first funeral. 99 consecutive funerals have occurred since. The magical thing that has happened in each individual day, more people showed up at each funeral. As my QUIT has gained strength and longevity more people have believed that Lady Nicotine was dead to me. First, me dearest Haylie believed in me and became present at the funeral. Then it was the KTC and my December 2012 Chew Wreckin’ Crew. My family also got on board and started with encouragement.
Being an addict I am not completely cured, and Lady Nic has to die each day. What I have learned from this experience is immeasurable. When one is freed from chains it is easier to recognize other area’s of life that they are in bondage. Also, being an addict I can help break others out of the chains that nicotine locks around wanderers.
Life is so beautiful without it, and I would like to thank the KillTheCan community. What is awesome about KTC is the support and the system they have set up. Posting roll daily, and everyone on the site is an addict and has gone through a DAY 1. That is so important early on in a quit; just knowing that ‘others’ have been through the ‘battlefield’ and have made it out. That gives hope to a ‘young’ quitter, just knowing that it is possible and it can be done.
KTC look forward to seeing more of me, and to everyone Quit For Today!