My story is no different from anyone else’s. I’m a damn addict, fighting my demons, trying to get through the day, holding on by a thread, but somehow, with the support of a bunch of other addicts, I’ve been able to not dip for 100+ days now. This fact is by no means a resolution to my addiction, it is merely a milestone in the epic fight. I will wake up tomorrow and have to face the same demons again. This poses a simple question…Why am I still here?
I’m a 30+ year dipper that has attempted to quit numerous times over the past 15 or so years. Evidently I watch too many movies & at times think that life reflects the big screen. I’ve tried the heart tugging drama reason for quitting by trying to “Do it for my son!”, the sappy romance reason by trying to “Do it for my love”, and you can’t forget what I like the call the “Rocky Quit”. The “Rocky Quit”, which I’ve played out in my head millions of times, is when you envision having a motivating theme song, you battle that demon against all odds, get knocked down, get back up, out-run Apollo Creed on the beach, and triumph over tobacco in an epic manner. But…reality is that my theme song was “Loser” by Beck, the Nic Bitch had remained the undefeated champ, and an Arkansas river bank does not look like an ocean shoreline. Then I came across this site…Kill the Can…and I read something that to me was revolutionary, “be selfish & quit for yourself”. I’m a father of 3…selfish hasn’t been an option for YEARS!
I signed up, but honestly did not expect to quit…there just wasn’t enough glamour to it. What I quickly found out was that it was a big ole taste of REAL! I think it was like my first of second day, and someone caved. It was like a damn feeding frenzy…I was scared to death for this guy. I quickly realized that I was NOT in a Hollywood movie, but was starting to think that I might be in an S&M flick. This dude was basically taking an ass-whoopin’, and saying “Thank you sir, may I have another”! Why the fuck was he sitting there taking that from these asshole strangers. I struggled with this for a couple days, but was scared enough to know that I sure as hell did not want to be on the receiving end of all that, so I stayed true to my quit (out of fear). I’m a bit of a cut-up & like to chime in at times, so I started reading posts in my group, chiming in & got involved. Exchanged digits with a few folks, developed a bond with a few guys, then had one of them go stray…I was pissed. I was there for them, if they would only reply back…I did not want them to give up…we were going through this together. WHERE THE FUCK WAS HE??? The next day…he showed back up on the site with a Day 1…and for the first time on the site, I experienced RAGE. I also quickly learned that I could lean on my new friends, I could relate, I could encourage, I could even vent to them, but I could not expect them to quit for me. After that ordeal so much of what I read, the common saying, the motivational/inspirational posts all started to make sense. I have to selfishly quit for myself & I could only quit WITH my fellow addicts, because no one else was going to do it for me.
The little things became the motivation…it’s still a thrill to post that larger number. I do not by any means think that my quit is any better, or worse, than anyone else’s just because one number is larger than the other. I simply like to watch my number grow, and I take pride in posting roll at 100%. The thought of disappointing this bunch of Northern Yankees, West Coast Hippies, Mid-Western Corn Pickers, or even my fellow Southern Rednecks, by missing a post, physically makes my stomach turn. I’ve truly developed a respect, admiration, and brotherly (sisterly) love for every fellow addict that I have met on this site. In the same way that people bond in battle; we, the 2017 April Fools, have bonded in this ongoing struggle with tobacco. I am absolutely humbled & honored to achieve this milestone & enter this hallowed “Hall of Fame” as a member of this quit group. Why am I still here? I’m still here because I’m selfish, because I want to support those that support me, and because I’m finally living my “Rocky Quit”…I’m a fucking UNDERDOG! (“Eye of the Tiger” should be playing in your head right now)