Day 86 – I had no idea the feeling of elation that was awaiting me. Starting to see some of our group cross the 100-day line gives me such great joy. Deep down, make your brain buzz, joy. Now 2 weeks of promises gets me in the winner’s circle, too. Fuck yes. ODAAT.
I wanted to come on here and post that looking back on my “Introduction Journal” Day 61 was probably my lowest point. I got on here and talked about it. Read up and got motivated. Since then I can say I truly turned a corner. Celebrating Day 69 (which beat the record for longest I had stayed quit in my 12 years of use) really put things into overdrive for me. If and when I hit 100 I’m going plug in my promise for 200. Why would I quit doing what works?
When I went to go write this I hadn’t planned on writing this much. More for me than for anyone else. But damn, there it was, “1 user reading this thread (Anonymous)”.
I was that guy 86 days ago.
I was the lurker: reading, reading, reading.
“Is it possible?”
“Can I be like them?”
“Can I actually quit this god-forsaken weed that has such a strangle hold on where I can go, what I can do, how I feel, how I treat others?”
“This expensive shit I pack my lip with that could prevent me from being there for my daughter as she is growing up and when she is grown!”
“I’ve tried so many times before, how could it be a fuckin’ website that finally gets me there?”
I was wondering: Can that be me?”
I was that Anonymous user 86 days ago.
Let me tell you, Anonymous user, Yes. Yes it can be you. I am living proof that cold-turkey is the way to do it. I’d done the gum, the patch, quitting for others, quitting without accountability or support or education, you name it…..
Yes, the nicotine god dam C10H14N2 3-(1-Methyl-2-pyrrolidinyl) pyridine, was the chemical that was chemically responsible for my chemical addiction…… but there was so much more to it than that. Breaking associations, breaking habits, routines, escapes, breaking attitudes that it had fostered and fed. The void had to be created and then the void had to be filled, with new, good, vibrant things of life and freedom and gladness. Self-care was a concept I became aware of and embraced. I must care for myself. This is very different than being self-centered.
I find it so much easier now to love and serve my wife when she needs help, even with simple things. Her existence no longer interferes with my perfectly laid plans to not go more than 180 minutes without a dose (or be punished by a grueling headache all day). I find myself considering her, what she might need, in advance of her asking for it. Because my quit is slowly “freeing up space” previously occupied with dipping. Mental space, emotional space, TIME space…… This space is allowing me to fill the void with things that make me become less of a selfish, moody bastard-addict who is no longer intent about planning perfectly a routine and life that allows the next maintenance fix.
At first I drank more, to replace the void, now I drink less. At first I ate more, to fill the void, now I eat less. I can’t say I have started the exercise regime I need to start but I feel I will. I have seen nothing but steady, good things, flow from this deeply impactful change that quitting has brought about.
Hell, this kinda feels like a HOF speech now that I’ve gone on and on, but it’s all good. Maybe it will help me keep up my quit until I’ve earned the right to write my official HOF speech. It’s good practice….. Most importantly, maybe I can help someone. Lord knows how much this site has helped me.
Oh, and Mr. Anonymous, God sent me here to tell you that this message is for you and you’re supposed to go register for KTC right now, when this post ends and find your Quit Group because today is your day and this is your moment to claim your freedom from the slavery of the chemical and the habit which owns you. That this life is not the life He created for you. He made you to thrive and breathe deep peaceful joy and you can, if you use the free-will He gave you, right now, to make that leap. It’s gonna suck, it’s gonna suck harder, it’s gonna suck some more, and then it’s going to amazingly, magically, rock. It’s Day 86 and I am rockin’. We’ll be here for you on your Day 1 and every step of the way.