100 Days Is Just the Beginning

diehard avatarDiehard is not a big huge Bruce Willis Fan.

Diehard’s morbid dream is not to die with a boner.

The Reason Diehard popped into my tobacco soaked brain when I found KTC is because I have been trying to kill tobacco from my life for over 20 years and I have been failing.

Have you ever seen a one legged dog makin his way down the street?
Have you ever seen a one legged dog than you’ve seen me
Have you ever seen a one legged man tryin’ to dance his way free?
Have you ever seen a one legged man than you’ve seen me (The Wrestler – Bruce Springsteen)

My first memory of tobacco is talking to our maid in the side yard. I have this image in my brain of a white dress and this rough cigarette voice telling me that tobacco is a really evil thing. I was 8 or 9 yrs old. My mother smoked.

For the next several years I was an absolute anti-cigarette terror machine. I threw away cartons of my mother’s cigarettes and hounded her about smoking. I hated cigarettes. This may have been the unconscious set up for the mental battle that would soon become a huge portion of my life.

My next memory is lying in the backyard of my friend’s house looking at the stars smoking Lark Cigarettes for the buzz. I became addicted to cigarettes when I was 14.

College was the first time I really tried to quit and my first real experience with Dip. I simply substituted dip for cigarettes. I still remember doing calculus with Copenhagen. This lasted a month or two. I just went back to cigs because they were more socially acceptable. But I hated being addicted to tobacco and wanted to quit.

I tried countless times……….

It was always by myself, making a promise to myself, and caving in days. I became very good at having my last one ever. I became very good at throwing packs of cigarettes away only to buy another one the following day.

After 13 years of smoking I knew this could not continue without serious consequences to my health. So what did I do?

I went underground with Mr. Cope.

It didn’t take long before I was doing a can a day and the majority full on ninja style. For the first few years it was enjoyable and I wasn’t trying to quit.

Then my mother was diagnosed with throat cancer. They cut out a big part of her throat. I will never forget the pain in my mother’s eyes when I went to visit her. She did not want her two children seeing her in this condition. Her head was the size of a basketball.

I wanted to quit again big time.

The statement: When ever I was chewing, I was trying to quit and whenever I wasn’t chewing I was dying for a chew, hits right on.

So does Albert Einstein’s quote: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

My mother died from Tobacco. My father told me she would sneak cigarettes and smoke them thru her throat hole. She never met her 4 grandchildren.

I kept chewing and I kept quitting. Mouth sores, dead skin, all that shit. Throwing cans away only to buy another the next day.

My wife and I decided to move to Europe. This was a great opportunity to quit Cope since it was not easily available there.

I guess I quit chewing more or less for about 2 years sort of. I smoked cigars, cigarillos, and snorted snuff on the weekends and if anyone came to visit I would ask them to bring me some Cope. Many of my friends were surprised because they didn’t know I chewed.

On a business trip in Germany, I found Swedish Snus and I also found a guy on the internet that would send me dip from Sweden as long as I sent him hard cash. For the next 2 years I chewed whenever I could get my hands on it.

Then they started selling it in my country and it was all over.

One method I had for last 3 years to reduce my dipping was to hide my stuff in the forest. I knew if I brought it home I would chew a lot but if I didn’t have it, I couldn’t. On my way to work I would ride my bike to my hiding spot and chew. Then I would leave it there under a rock until after work. But this often didn’t work, meaning I would sometimes buy another can at lunch or instead of leaving the whole can in the forest, I would put some in paper or an empty can and bring ‘a little extra’ to work or home. I have ridden my bike late at night in a pitch black forest more than once to go get my shit. I have gotten up at 5:00 in the morning before anyone else was up to go get my shit. I have had to dig my shit out of fresh snowfall.

Now that is an addict.

Another way in the last 3 years I was able to reduce my chewing was nicorette. All this did was increase the amount of nicotine in my body and allow my gums to heal a bit so I could dig into the next can. I spent a fortune on that shit and it only made my addiction worse.

I was hopeless and I had to tell my wife and come out of the closet but I could never bring myself to do it. Then I found KTC.

100 days later here I am and I hope I am not going anywhere. It is amazing how much more I am enjoying life, how much better I feel about myself, and how my relationships with my loved ones are so much stronger. I can give more love to them because I love myself more.

Thank you KTC and all the bad ass quitters in here. Thank you for helping me get my life back under my control. I could not have done it without you. If I am not posting roll for the next few years (at least), I am either dead or lying on BT’s massage table with a bucket of cope strapped to my head.

I’ll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
I’m not gonna chew today
If you just want one I’ll say……
We don’t get fooled again
Don’t get fooled again

I dance with both legs now.

See ya on the boards

Scott

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member diehard

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