Allow me to apologize in advance for the obscure movie quotes, references and song lyrics that are to follow. I’ve never been much of a writer and it’s always been easier for me to express myself with other people’s words… that and the fact that deep inside I’m just a little kid who has never (and will never) grown up… without further adieu – “Autobots… transform and roll out!”
Darkness… “A long time ago… in a galaxy far, far away…”
Episode III: The Final Quit
It is a period of internal struggle… Chewie (our hero) has been battling an addiction for over 16 years. He’s finally come to a point in his life where he’s determined to defeat the imperial forces and their fearless leader… The Kodiak Bear. It will be a long and hard fight, but unbeknownst to him, he will not have to fight this battle alone. The forces of KillTheCan.org and Cliff’s Cohesive Units are standing by to join in the fight…
Ok. That should just about cover Star Wars (though I’m sure it will return later). Like most of you, I have battled this nic demon for years and years. I can remember very vividly my first dip.
I was standing on the bleachers at my first high school football game. Mike K. offered me a Wintergreen Skoal Bandit and said “Give it a try dude – they taste awesome!” ~~~ “Thank you for playing “Should we or should we not, follow the advise of the galactically stupid?”
I assumed that I could have one or two, be one of the “cool” kids and be on my way ~~~ “Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups!”
I went right through all of the quit dates that I had set for myself – birthdays, anniversary, graduation, etc. I awoke on July 24th, 2006 and something was different. My son (“No… I… Am your father…”) who had been of this earth for a little over a month had slept relatively good that night. My darling wife (“Women… you can’t live with em, and they can’t pee standing up.”) was still sleeping as I drug my tired ass out of bed. I went into the closet, threw in a dip of Kodiak and began my day – bathroom, shower, drive to work, etc.
As I sat at my desk with my lipper in, I was surfing around the web looking for pictures of what I was going to look like when my jaw fell off. It was as if I had given up and accepted my fate ~~~ “I’ll put ya outta ya misery. Say when.” ~~~ My life changed that day. I hadn’t planned on quitting, but I took out my dip and started reading.
I didn’t post with October ’06 right away, but read everything that I could. I first posted on August 7th cause I was really hanging and needed some help. Citizen Rob answered right away and really helped to put my mind at ease. From that moment on, I knew that this could be done… I knew that I was not alone (I do have Verizon – you know… the Network) and that I wasn’t going to have to do this on my own.
I can’t even begin to tell you how scared I was. Scared of a life without my best friend. ~~~ “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
However, I was going to give this my best shot ~~~ “Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.”
I knew that I was in for the fight of my life (and for my life) and that I’d need to be up to the challenge ~~~ “Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.”
Quitting dipping is the hardest thing that I’ve ever done in my life. I don’t mean to talk about it in the past tense, but I’m not done quitting… I’m in the process of quitting… every day. I wake up every day and look at it as a new challenge. Today was a good day but they all haven’t been that way. The first few weeks felt like something had been ripped away from me ~~~ “They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!”
I’m not going to go through my entire quit here. Others have done a far better job of explaining what it’s like to quit (Thanks 7iron) but I will say this… I still to this day feel that I dealt with just about every symptom that I’ve heard of when it comes to quitting. ~~~ “When troubles come, they come not single spies but in battalions.”
tired jaw – tingling jaw – crawling jaw – acid reflux – dizzy – foggy – rage – aches – pains – insanity – depression
Hell, I even took myself to the emergency room… TWICE!!! ~~~ “It’s me Dr. Rosenpenis. Who? Me, Dr. Rosenrosen. Where’s the records room?”
The bottom line is that I made it… I went through 100 days and I didn’t have a dip. I’ve talked on numerous occasions about redefining myself. I’m still in the process of working through that and I’m sure that it will take me quit a while. Whenever I have a tough day I take solace in this. I chewed for 6,000 days. I’m NOT going to be OK in a little over 100. ~~~ “I guess some mistakes you never stop paying for.”
I can say this… I’m a hell of a lot better off now that I was back in July. This is not the end of my road. It’s simply a stop on the way. I’ll admit that I’ve had crazy thoughts… “I’ll have a celebratory dip for 100 days” – That’s the power of our addiction. I can’t ever go back… I won’t ever go back. There is nothing I can state with any more certainty… NEVER EVER EVER THINK YOU CAN HAVE JUST ONE DIP. I’m just $5 and a gas station away from a can a day habit.
I know that the nic bitch is still there just waiting for me to fuck up… she’s very deceptive that way ~~~ “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
The difference now is that I’ve got tools in my back pocket (not a tin anymore). I’ve been shown the way by people that came before me and defeated their demon. I am a follower and in this instance, I love it. ~~~ “You go over what he draws with a pen. That’s tracing.”
And now I’ve come to the most difficult part of this… I’m going to attempt to recognize some people that helped me along the way. I know that I’ll leave someone out. Please don’t take it personally. I owe each and every one of you my life and that fact that you’re not listed here DOES NOT change that.
My Darling Wife… for putting up with my shit for 13 years – I love you.
“There’s something in the way she moves,
Or looks my way, or calls my name,
That seems to leave this troubled world behind”
Steevo, GiKea, Stacy, Citizen Robespierre, dionnja1, Malibu23, Russter, Dinkshooter, sbtzc – you guys truly are “brothers from another mother”. I owe you everything. Thank you.
Lobo – we have a Kodiak kinship that will never end… God bless you. Thank you.
The Units – whether you know it or not, you’ve changed me, motivated me and helped me. I can honestly say that without you I would still be chewing… I owe you my life. Thank you.
Remshot, Whodey, 7iron, QuittinTime, GMS, loot, arbcubed, Janhawke, sioux – you have shown me what quitting is all about. Thank you.
Copewquitn – on August 10th, you made a post that saved my quit, my sanity and my life. Thank you.
St. Nic-o-Frees, Jan ‘007 HOF Class & February 2007 – you’ve given me an incredible gift. Right around day 50 in my quit, I made a decision to stop worrying about myself and trying to help. Now I’ve become one of the biggest post whores on the board but it really does help me to help others. If I’m bothering you guys… tell me to go away Thank you.
KillTheCan.org – thank you.
“Through the years and miles between us
It’s been a long and lonely ride
But if I got a call in the dead of the night
I’d be right by your side”
This goes for each and every one of you… Whatever, wherever, whenever… I’m here for you.
Thanks for guiding me on this journey… thanks for standing beside me when I was a babbling idiot. ~~~ “He is answering a question from a half hour ago!”
Thanks for letting me vent, answering questions, understanding what I was going through and just being.
Do I remember my life as a chewer? I do.
Do I still crave? I do.
Will I ever dip again? I cannot say.
Will I dip today? I will not.
“A man is defined by his actions, not his memories.”
Thank you from the bottom of my heart,