“Dumping these huge amounts of nicotine into my blood is going to make my heart explode” –a moment of clarity. “I am fine- the doctor does not know what he is talking about”. “Wait… whose voice is that?”
My blood pressure is through the roof. The doctor doesn’t know why it is so high because I lie to him, but I know.
That was July of 2016. I wondered if my blood pressure would go down if I got the nicotine out of my system. I started on July 2nd just seeing if not having nicotine in my system for a few hours would lower my blood pressure. That was all it took, I started an hour at a time. If I can go one, I can go two. Ok, sweat, panic, rage, chew a hole in my lip—now repeat. The next day after a very long night, I found this site. I never thought I would sign up, it is just not my style, I don’t even have Facebook. But after 28 years of smoking and dipping, I was now 20 hours without nicotine in my system. I was convinced that I could not live without it. I thought I was dying or going crazy. I needed help! I needed to say something to the other people at KTC to see if there was anybody on here like me. On July 5th I officially became a quitter and a joiner.
Quitting is never done, it is one day at a time, it involves a rigorous honesty with yourself but what KTC taught me is that, it is possible!
I am 150 + days of proof. The encouragement from people on this site and their willingness to listen and support me is what changed it for me. I couldn’t live in shame or feel sorry for myself anymore. If they were doing it then so could I and if I gave them my word, well then, I better do it!
The first thing I heard from KTC members is that what I felt was normal. “What a relief—wait will I feel like this forever?” And they were honest, it was awful. Then I realized that some had it worse and some had it better. Also that there was a very consistent story and some very familiar lies that the bitch nicotine told all of us.
Nicotine is a bitch and a liar! She enslaved me. She made me into a liar, a dishonorable person. She stole my money, my health, people I cared about and made me declare that it was my choice and that I deserved it (liar!).
I lied to my wife so many times that I quit then she would find the spit bottle or empty can somewhere. She could smell smoke on me but sometimes she would not even say anything, just be quietly disappointed. I hated that disappointed look on her face but I started to hate even more that she did not even expect me to tell the truth. She didn’t understand, “I needed this, this is who I am” (liar!)
I have four kids now and probably my best period of stopping prior to quitting was when my first child was born, my daughter. I used gum and made it several weeks. Then I went back underground. The gum could hold me between real fixes when I could go off by myself and binge. I thought the gum was great because it allowed a steady and constant stream of poison into my blood until I could get away from everyone to dip and smoke. For the past ten years, I have been worse than I have ever been under the disguise of being better.
I am a liar and an addict—-just like you. I just practice honesty now so that I don’t fall back to the habit of lying.
The final message that really got across was that if I was going to quit then I needed to do it 100% not just see how long I could make it. Half a commitment wasn’t enough here. I had to do it all the way and what made the difference was people calling me out because they were just like me. They knew the lies they had been told and the lies we all tell ourselves.
This site is for quitters not for pussyfooting! It brought me out of the whining, complaining and self-loathing I was experiencing and forced me to stop saying “I can’t do it” and instead say “liar, I will do it!”
Thank God I got here when I did, and thank all of you for your stories and your help. I don’t often say a lot on here but I read a lot and you have all inspired me! Special thanks to the OCT 16 Dumpster Fire! I am proud to be counted among all you Badasses!