I started chewing at the age of 15. I can still remember my first chew like it was yesterday. I felt guilty, ashamed and embarrassed that I was indulging in nicotine. The same habit that was so despised of by my family. I quickly coated that guilt with the “joy” of dipping and continued dipping for the next 18 years. I quit for a few days here a few weeks there but was never really serious about it. I truly developed a love for chewing! But it was a private affair. It was a gross, nasty, and humiliating habit. It caused me more grief and shame than I care to admit, but it also brought me so much joy?!?
From high school to marriage to 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 kids, I continued to hide my affair from my wife and kids. Well so I thought. They are not that ignorant. I was…
I fit into all the typical scenarios of a chewer. Late night runs for milk…we might run out!!! Walking the dog…..the long way around the block. Not taking the kids for a run to the hardware store…I just needed some alone time with my love, avoiding people because I wanted to dip or had a dip in, and on and on….sickening I know. But the truth was I was in love, I was in a wicked affair that was determined to kill me…ruin my family and to be honest was just plain gross.
I was at work one day with a dip in reading a text my wife sent me…..”I overheard your son explaining to his friends on how to put a dip in and that he knew what he was talking about ‘cause he learned from his dad.”
Now as you can imagine my heart sunk…I was going 90mph trying to be a great dad and one thing my kids were learning from me was how to be an addict.
Enter my decision to quit…..
I started reading up on KTC and didn’t start my quit for a few days…I was prepping myself and in a way I think this actually may have helped me as my fear of quitting inspired my quit. You see I really wasn’t quitting for me, I was quitting because that was the right thing to do for my kids. But those days leading up to my day one were some real truth tellers. I learned over those few days that if I were to quit I was going to have to be “bigger” than my addiction. I was going to have to purposely convince myself of that daily. I am bigger than an addiction to nicotine. It quickly became my motto, my source of motivation while being the proud person that I am will not allow such a lowly addiction to conquer my determination.
Over the course of my first month I am pretty sure I read this site two, three, four hours a day. Reading the trials and courses that different folks on this site endured during the suck and towards their HOF inspired me to really grab a hold of my quit, hold it dear by making a plan, getting numbers, and allowing myself to be held accountable. I thank each of you for suffering through and writing about it so that I and many others have a chance to change.
Moving closer to the HOF my quit changed perspective… I felt better, I was sleeping better, my gums and jaw quit aching, no more headaches…hey this quit isn’t so bad! The quit no longer was a sacrifice I was making for my family, my kids, my wife. It quickly became a quit that had my name written all over it! I was becoming a free man! I was no longer chained to tin.
I know that at 100 days it is a milestone and not the finish line. I know that the addiction will try to lure me back in with whispers of my ability to have just one, reminders of the days I thought I needed nicotine to survive, days of fun with dip…I know that this will not cause me to cave because not only am I bigger than this….so is everyone else that I promise my quit to each morning!
I would like to thank KTC, and its members for helping me in my quit journey. I would also like to thank you in advance for continuing to help me in my quit journey!!! Looking forward to celebrating the next milestone with the Fellowship.