Letting Go Part II

KTC Logo Black WhiteRem did a great job of describing needing to letting go.

I need to do the same thing. I just fucking hate myself sometimes. How fucking stupid was I? Like most on here I dipped every chance I could. I dipped when my son was born, I dipped seconds before I got married, ninja dipped on my honey moon, dipped at work, at my son’s games. All the time. I’ve done multiple ironman triathlons…one time I was dipping through the 2.4 mile swim portion of the race. How fucked up is that? People talk about needing to stay away from triggers. Buckshit. I’ve been dipping for nearly 30 years. At the end 2 cans a day was the norm. Everything is s trigger. Life is a trigger. Like all you folks I was dipping all the time every chance I could.

I’ve played the blame game and justified my dipping. I have PTSD from some terrible things in the past. I have depression and social anxiety. Dipping is ok for me isn’t it? I thought it was for a long time but because I’ve been such a dumb ass it’s taken this long to realize that dipping never solved any problems or made me really feel better. Just made me feel more weak and ashamed.

For a while I was resolved that I’d never be able to quit. My brother had a heart attack. So did my cousin. My other cousin died of a heroin overdose….I dipped on the way over to his wake and funeral. But last November something happened. I bought two times of grizzly snuff. I sat in my car to take a dip and paused. I saw the spilled dip on the floor mats, saw my black finger nails, saw my 1/2 filled bottled of spit. Something clicked and I was done. Sometimes cravings still suck but they’re getting less intense and less frequent. I’m learning a new life and I like it. My quit has nothing to do with anyone but me….I was just ready to finally do it. And quite frankly like others on here I’ve tried to quit in the past for my wife or son or mother, etc but it never worked. Your quit has to be for you. I’m still pissed at myself for not being the best father, husband, son, etc for a long time but holding on to that isn’t going to help. I’m done with the can and am hoping over time I can make up for some of my mistakes.

KTC has been invaluable to me. I may not post much but I post my promise EDD and will continue to do so. Thanks to all the FUCKERS and everyone else on this site.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan.org forum member striper

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