2023 Hall of Fame Speeches

My Friend, The Thief


If you’re reading this, I’m sure you’ve met him too. You see, my friend would go everywhere with me and he probably has been everywhere with you! Whether in your back pocket ruining your jeans, the console of your car away from the prying eyes of your wife, or tucked in your work desk for when your boss is just too much – this friend was always there.

My friend was there for some of the greatest moments of my life. He was there in my pocket, slyly getting popped in my mouth while my son was getting born. He was in my car door while he was in the hospital and I was just being a good husband and grabbing food (I really just wanted some alone time with my good friend). These precious moments where your presence mentally and physically are short, but your time with your friend can be for the rest of your life!

My friend was there for the hard times. As my father was dying in front of me, I caught myself thinking of my friend and wondering when I would be reunited with him. The final moments of your father are temporary, but your relationship with your friend, should you choose it, can be for the rest of your life!

My friend was hanging out patiently in the car, waiting for me to nervously get one more “all clear” from the dentist after another six months of stress and anxiety. He would never let me down and was there to celebrate! When my lymph nodes were swelling and the thoughts of cancer and death were racing through my mind, this being lurked in my thoughts. Friends are great gift givers, I’m not sure mine got the memo as he seemingly missed the mark on this one.

We’ve all had friends that seemingly take more than they give, and even don’t give at all. Whether it’s money, time, or emotional/mental energy, these friends don’t often stay friends for long – these thieves are forgotten and we move along seeking to replace the them with others who bring and give life. The thief we all share has (or maybe if you’re reading this, IS) robbed us far more than just the obvious numbers on our bank accounts. He has robbed me of moments and memories which will be forever tainted or absent. He has robbed me of peace of mind, forever reminding me that the time spent in “friendship” may steal time on this earth. He robbed me of meaningful relationships as I would slink away to a bathroom for my second 30 minute shit of the day, lying to my wife that “man the Mexican from yesterday really is sticking around!”.

If you’re reading this and still keep the thief near and dear, I want you to do the mental exercise you’ve likely done hundreds of times up until this moment. What has your “friend” given to you? What has your thief taken from you? What does he stand to take from you in the future? Read (or think) through this list without letting him chirp in your ear – realize there is no reason to spend one more day being willingly robbed. Join this community that will give, that will be that friend, that will replace the “false void” the thief will leave behind.

NOTE: This piece written by KillTheCan community member Pocket

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